Groundhog Day

Go to sleep another day in vein Tried to drown my sorrows and all that pain

Four drinks in and I didn’t feel the same 

As a matter of fact I couldn’t feel a thing

Something happens at around twelve drinks in

When I’m all alone and feel like I don’t have a friend 

I turn the bottle up again thinking I should do myself in

I get angry and destroy everything around

I drank enough whisky to put an average man down

Why am I here again I say with my head low 

What happened to me I do not know

I don’t understand how it’s all turned to shit

It’s everything, I just don’t get it

Everything is spinning I need to lay down 

This is as good as any this spot on the ground

My head is humming buzzing in my ears

It’s the same thing again, I’ve been doing for years

My nightly prayer was to let it end

So I didn’t have to wake up like Groundhog Day and do it again

Waking in the morning angry at the world

Wife says what’s wrong with you, I say I woke up, what a pearl

I’m sick of this stuff 

She was the one who had it rough

When it hurt bad enough I finally stopped 

I remember praying a lot

I started going to meetings and just didn’t drink 

I started listening to people I didn’t even know 

Because they were sober and I had no place to go

Someone told me I should be proud of myself for being a jerk

It was the culmination of my entire life’s work 

I should be happy and give myself a pat on the back 

He asked if that made me angry, I wanted to give him a smack 

I said yes

He said, that’s because It’s true you’re really a mess

The good news is you never have to feel this way again

All you have to do is change everything my friend

I have to admit I didn’t know what he meant then

He said what are you willing to do to get sober again

I’ll do anything, I want it to be over

Since then I’ve made many less mistakes when I started over

By doing whatever it takes, willingness to change has set me free

I had to trust somebody else so that I could see my drinking wasn’t the problem, the problem was me.

I had a living hell of a life that I created 

I let go and was emancipated 

God will set you free if you trust in him and do the work

Test the theory and see if it’s true begin to pray and it will happen for you, even I stopped being a jerk!
Recovered Alcoholic, Jason

The Only Way Out is Through

So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!

Just For Today

This is one of the practices I engaged in years ago, at the suggestion of a man of whom I have great respect.

I’ve never been able to complete all this list entails in a single day.

The part where it says- I will do a good turn and not be found out and if I get found out it will not count, is one of my favorite things. I was told the reasons why are:

1. You’ve already received your reward by taking credit for your good deed.
2. It then becomes an act to make yourself look good rather than a good deed.
3. It is truly a selfless and thankless deed When done only to benefit someone else if your not found out                        .

This whole card helps you to grow in selflessness and humility and grasp the bigger picture, I would recommend it for anyone. I’m not advertising, this is not my business, and I receive no funds for anything contained in my blog. My only reward is if it helps you or someone you love.

You can purchase this card and many other pieces of great literature through your local area Intergroup just search Alcoholics Anonymous Intergroup and your cities name. It’s like a gift store with great recovery items. online at

www.recovery-world.com/RecoveryWalletCards.html

Just for Today Wallet Card — Hazelden
Just for today – wallet card Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life…www.hazelden.or

www.walletcards.com/cardlist.html This one has a list of self help, motivational, love, humor and inspirational cards recovery or just because. it’s a great site. i think I’m going to order 1 of each if they’ll let me to see what I can get out of it.

Today I say forget about yourself and think of someone else for a while. It is through self forgetting and helping others that we know peace

Envision

Sometimes it does me good to envision bright days, fun times, vacations and a wildly prosperous future.

I hear the talk about power of intention. I even see people I love putting stock in it under the guise of positive thinking. I kid around about this sometimes, I said earlier today that I would make my first million this year and said I’m focusing my “power of intention” on earning over 500,000.00 dollars for our annual income this year. (Joking, but hey maybe I’ll believe in it, if my bank account does. LOL) I will put my best foot forward.

I produce concepts and invent things that work, it’s a fun thought for a moment. I thought of my life as a millionaire. I thought wouldn’t it be grand not to be reliant on a job. I’m a simple man, I can’t think of one thing I want. Traveling would be cool. I don’t buy into the “intention” line of thinking but it was fun.

More practically, we also mentioned going to Sea World this summer. I envision the “WOW” in my kids eyes. What a fantastic picture, I’m as excited as Clark Griswold was when he planned his trip to Wally World. So many endless possibilities. Maybe I’m a bit of a dreamer? I think of my future at work and that seems to slowly evolve. People are retiring in groves creating opportunities for change, advancement, and God willing better pay. I used to “black cloud” everything and think of the worse case scenarios. In retrospect, the way my life was going, maybe there was something to that “power of intention” LOL. I do believe we can make things worse or better in accordance with our mindset and attitudes (positive or negative). I’ve seen the difference in the atmosphere and culture of work and social environments I’ve been in and I’m sure you have too. All depending on the dynamic, management style, treatment, chemistry and attitudes of the staff. Simply put “negativity breeds negativity and positive promotes positive. In this too (especially) I envision the positive change my attitude and actions will bring about over time. I have already witnessed great affect just by being courteous, kind, and genuinely appreciative of others and their value. I also see others adopting like mindsets and having a positive affect on their circles. I envision a day when the world can be like it was in the past, where people wave as you pass by (I’m a waiver). Everyone smiles when they see you (I’m a bit smiley) people talk to their neighbors and have gatherings (we do with the positive ones). I hope to see chivalry come back strong, honor, integrity, and common courtesy.

These quotes are off the top of my head. The first just came to me fresh and the other came a little while back as an epiphany, likely inspired by The Holy Spirit

“The better the perspective we maintain, the better the perspective we maintain.

“The quality of life we maintain, is the quality of life we maintain.”

I encourage you to live well, help others, and love everyone, especially yourself because you can change the world one smile at a time. Have a great day, ~ J ~

Can’t Isn’t an Option

Some of the most valuable things I’ve learned in my life are these quotes;

“Can’t isn’t an option when you have to!”

I learned this during intense training, it was drilled in over and over again at moments I was already well past my limits physically and mentally.

Another pearl of wisdom was this quote which goes hand in hand with the other one:

“Keep moving!!! You slow down, you stop, and you die!”

The quote that probably drives me to blog and reach out to others in my day to day life is this:

“No one gets left behind!”

These fundamentals can bring you beyond your limitations; they’ve brought me through more situations in my life than I have time to talk about. I will say; What wouldn’t you be willing to do to survive, not live well or happy, just survive? When your situation means do or die, I suggest do.

Survival points;

I grew up around the tip of Lake Michigan. This is one of the things that made it easy for me to embrace these concepts because they were already part of my life. It gets cold; I’m talking 20 degrees below zero cold with a wind-chill factor of 60 below. If you go outside after a shower you can hear your hair freeze in seconds. This is a great reference because you absolutely have to keep moving “If you slow down, you stop, you freeze to death” “You never leave anyone behind” I was walking home once and it was a little over a mile, but in this kind of cold and wind 100 feet seem like a mile. It had been snowing for days, all of the roads were closed, and snow drifts were 13 feet high. I had walked about 3/4 of the way, and decided i was going to take a short cut across the golf course. I started up the embankment at the side of the road; my feet were plunging into the snow to my upper thigh with every step (about 3 feet). I got a little better than half way up and WOOOOOFFF! I dropped into the drifted snow up to my armpits. The snow was packed in enough that I could barely move. I was in trouble, already near frozen because I thought I was a bad ass and wasn’t dressed properly. I was wearing jeans with sweat pants under them, 2 t-shirts, a flannel, and a thin Harley Davidson, straight collar, Leather jacket without a liner, two pairs of socks and my hiking boots. With no gloves, no hat, and no scarf. I had been warming my hands under my arms, then warming my ears with my hands, and cupping my hands over my nose trying not to get frostbite. I would run this cycle over and over as my freezing hands were also my warming tools that I would constantly have to reheat.

So, here I am, stuck in a snow drift half frozen and I’m gassed. A real “Uh Oh!” moment. All I could move was my arms and I couldn’t reach anything. I had to do something, but couldn’t do anything. “Can’t isn’t an option when you have to!” There was a tree branch about a few feet away, so I began nudging the snow. Little by little I bumped forward, then back, then forward then back. The snow didn’t move much because I fell in the plow line and the top was packed. I rocked to and fro for what seemed like an eternity and finally I got a hold of the branch and dragged myself out. Freezing cold now, the wetness from being stuck in the snow froze my clothes. I continued on walking in 3 feet of snow feeling like I couldn’t take another step, but knowing to stop is to die. If you’ve ever been out in that environment for a while you know that everything aches, your feet hurt, your ears feel like they’re being cut off by the wind. Your hands and nose feel like ice icicles also being cut and burned, it can be brutal! Obviously, I survived, cold weather situations like that would happen. We broke down in a car with my Mom and she had blankets in the back. She hitched a ride with a trucker, because if we would have stayed there we would have froze to death. I think it was my Mom, oldest brother and I. (extreme examples or rant if you will)

The point is, no matter what obstacles or challenges we face in life we must push on. What matters is our survival. We then have an opportunity to make better choices, be more prepared (keep blankets in the trunk, dress warmer, steak a sign in the ground that says thin ice or crevasse). Over time and through life experience we learn not only to survive but to thrive. We can warn or help others be aware or overcome obstacles or dangers. Look at the Eskimos, look at people who have lost love and learned to love again, or people who were once in a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, that hated life itself, now love it and are filled with joy. I’m one of these people and you CAN be too.

Take these quotes and add them to your arsenal and when all else fails just keep going!

“Can’t isn’t an option when you have to!”

“Keep moving!!! You slow down, you stop, and you die!”

“No one gets left behind!”

“I can”

“i’m willing”

Love everyone, including yourself, you’re incredible, ~ J ~

Why’s Everybody Hiding

I love it when I come into contact with real people, that are not afraid to be their true self. Here’s a story of an inquisitive young man. As he walks out into the world he sees seemingly everyone running around frantically everywhere, trying to find a good hiding place. He calls out to one of them why’s everybody hiding? The man replies, we have to hide or the one of the monsters will terrorize us. What monsters he says? Conformity, Judgement, Gossip, and the Politically Correct monster. That doesn’t make much sense because this is all wide open space and there are really no good hiding places. The man says, we just pretend to be something else, like a tree or a car. The young man shakes his head a little and say’s that’s ridiculous, it’s obvious to everyone, that all of you people are pretending to be something your’re not. The man says, well that’s just what we do. Everybody knows it and nobody says anything. Unless someone thinks they don’t have to hide and then we’ll talk about them. OK?, strange?. thanks for clearing that up sir.

It seems most everywhere I go, everybody is hiding, either part or all of themselves behind some sort of concocted persona they’ve made up. Only showing you what they want you to see. Most are constantly worried about the perception of everyone else. How does my house look (outwardly), what kind of car do I drive, what do I do for a living, what does my spouse look or act like, do my children behave well and have acceptable manners, and so on. Meanwhile, most often everything is not as it appears, they may be miserable, in debt up to their eyeballs, having abuse or other scandals behind there golden doors. How many times do we see people who seem to “Have it all” end up in total crisis or dead. Happiness is an inside job it is not external.

I think that sounds like an awful lot of investment on all fronts with no real dividends. Especially considering nobody else really appreciates anyone having more or better of anything. Usually people that talk smack talk smack no matter what. The confines of fitting the norm and being like everyone else is like the stepford wives to me. People rob themselves of there true character and freedom of self expression because of fear. Oh, gasp, you shouldn’t, you can’t, what will people think, what will they say?

They will say what they will say. In fact “People” may take great delight in having something to talk about, especially if they can place themselves above you by assassinating your character or worth.

I say please above all else be true to yourself. Seek what makes you happy, not everyone else. This is your life, this is it, enjoy every possible minute. I avoid people that have it twisted, because it’s all an illusion, King Solomon said all of his vast wealth was like sand falling through his fingers.

This is a poorly paraphrased story from Genesis that I thought of before writing.

When Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge in the garden of Eden (after God told them not to) They realized they were naked and immediately covered themselves. God came into the garden and they hid from Him. God already new what they had done. God said why are you hiding yourselves.

They had everything they could want, but there was more to be had.

I am rich beyond measure, and you are also, “if” you have your values correctly placed. Love everyone, including yourself’ ~ J ~

Magnification & Maintaining Focus

Tomorrow has arrived and has become today. What will I allow it to be?
I guess it all depends on what I magnify and how many times my magnification is. When it comes to problems of life, will I be like a child who looks at an ant and gets frightened by it’s monster like appearance. Will I be like the adult who knows it’s only an ant, knowing if I remove the magnifying glass it becomes tiny and relatively harmless. Similarly when we have an injury, if we focus on it, all the worse it feels. It may begin to throb and ache. Think about the hick-ups and they seem like they’ll never go away. Suddenly we realize they’ve gone without our knowing. Sometimes realizing they’ve gone “HICK-UP!” they come back. So too, can be whatever has our focus and attention. I suggest taking the magnifying glass off of whatever disturbs you and putting it over things which fill you with happiness and contentment. Our problems are seldom as big as they appear. Once they pass they’re often forgotten or even a laughably ridiculous waste of time.
“You’ve got to accentuate the positive! Deliberate the negative, and look out for Mr. in between”

Have a very Merry Christmas to those who celebrate and for everyone else I hope the day is merry for you too!
The gift is in the giving, so give your all everywhere!
~ J ~

VAPOR

Life is but a small number of breaths and then it passes from us. I was speaking to my wife the other day and we were talking about something taking 15 years to accomplish. I said; “In 15 years I’ll be 60.” Right then it hit me and I have to admit it was pure shock. I said it again, except this time I exclaimed; IN 15 YEARS I’LL BE 60!!! WHAT HAPPENED? I was just a teenager, what seemed like just the other day. At best my life is likely 1/2 past. So it is. I feel pretty good; I see a lot more gray popping out, but it doesn’t seem like that much time has passed. So it isn’t. It isn’t a lot of time, life is short and I see now the more that passes the shorter it seems. I suppose being anesthetized only squandered and slowed my perception of time. That’s not where I intended to go, excuse the rant. Here’s my thought; the seemingly hopeless situations I have passed are beyond my ability to recall. Many of the difficulties and struggles I don’t even remember. Obstacles I thought insurmountable I have overcome or have been removed for me. Things that seem to go on for days, week, months, and even years seem like they passed with hardly a thought. So where I am today is pretty relaxed. I don’t get real excited about too much “drama of life” anymore because I understand that it will pass. Everything will work out according to Gods plan whether I participate or not. As a matter of fact things might even get worse if I try to put my controlling hand in. Sure I could sit back and look at all the possible scenarios and potential outcomes. For what? I’m not going to waste time, the solutions are either apparent or they present themselves over time. I just need to continue doing the next right thing that is right in front of me.

Worry only worries

Doubt only doubts

Their only purpose is fuel for fear. I trust the master plan and it always works out the way it is supposed to the end.

The “Good Life” is the one you have! Live it up! ~ J ~

Independence or In dependence

 

I rebelled and struck out on my own as early as I was unable. I wanted to be my own man, I felt alone like it was me against the world and that nobody truly cared about me. I didn’t realize until years later how wrong I was. I see today by forcing my independence and not allowing anyone to get close to me out of fear of being hurt or letting them down is what lead to my isolation. I told my Wife before I married her “That I was going to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and would not answer to her”. The reason I said that, or so I thought, was to proclaim my independence. In reality I was trying to shrug accountability and responsibility. The two words I just typed struck me funny, because that’s exactly where I was going with this. Allow me to clarify, both words have ability in them and that is it in a nutshell. I drank and when I did, there was no telling what would happen, where I might end up, when or if I’d even come home. So rather than continually having to apologize or justify behavior which was really beyond my control, I created my escape hatch. The irony is that I proclaimed my independence because of my dependence on alcohol. No excuses to be made, no arguments to have, I do what I want! right? Of course, this thinking was as flawed as my drinking. I built walls made of false fronts and bravado, I covered myself with a mask where you could no longer see me. There I was trapped by independence, a prisoner in my own mind

I had all of these preconceived notions about everyone. Hiding inside, I’d think to myself I wonder if you like me or if you think I’m crazy. In nearly the same thought, think that I didn’t care, I don’t need anyone I’m my friend. I’d them assess your flaws and think of what I didn’t like about you in case you didn’t like me so your opinion wouldn’t count. I could then preserve my false pride and superiority while I battled my inferiority. I noticed over time how my scenery changed. The group of people and the establishments I frequented became, let’s say, less sophisticated. Seeking to be accepted yet never wanting to join. I was independent other than the fact that my entire life was dependent on the people around me and how long they’d tolerate the insanity. The very systems and thinking I put in place to maintain my independence finally succeeded and I was independent, in dependence and completely alone, with the exception of God. I talked to Him a lot but wouldn’t hear Him. At that point, when I didn’t understand why my life was like it was, I started to seek answers. I became honest with myself, I opened my mind to new ideas and principles, and most of all I became willing to change. I’m going to play on words because this came to me suddenly and made sense. I realized in any relationship which I am a partner I have to do a part. Also, that the whole world didn’t revolve around me and when I refused to participate it would just pass me by. Again, in order for me to be an active participant in my own life, I had to do my part. I began to tear at my walls. I found that I built the walls a long time ago, when I was a scared child and while in there I couldn’t see everything clearly. My vision was obscured by my perception. Like a plant without the proper son light I didn’t grow much emotionally and stayed a small scared child inside. Once I started to break down the walls and barriers that kept me inside I found they were primarily constructed of bottles of booze, drugs, cemented with lies I told myself to justify my behaviors and the things that brought me pleasure. When I discovered that was what had blocked me all these years, I began to kick and strike at them. I became angry but the walls were amazingly strong and I couldn’t break through on my own. I was dependent upon them to secure my independence. I began to cry out for help, it seemed nobody was listening. When I stopped yelling I could hear a faint voice say just stop drinking, start to do the next right thing that is in front of you. Trust another person who had walls like yours and together we will take them down.

True independence is based on total dependence and reliance upon God. He is the One who created us for a special purpose. We are designed to seek the peace and euphoria only He can provide. Drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, eating, pain and all of the things that bring some of us a similar feeling will not suffice, so we need more. We find in time, as you might expect, they stop working and the very thing we use for reliance, independence, and peace becomes our captor.

Break the chains of addiction and the vicious cycle of self will, seek the purpose of your creation, and ask God to help you offer yourself and your life to Him with complete abandon and fulfill your purpose. He will help as long as you’re willing to follow His gentle direction.

Good life to you, Jason

SELF as the Center of the Universe

 

I will speak from my experience, material I have read and principles I continually work. Some of what I say may have a familiar ring if you are in recovery, some you likely have not heard.

I’ll start with a quote and this is a fundamental concept for change.

“It is through self forgetting that we no peace.”

If you can wrap your head around this concept and apply it to your life you will be content.

What it boils down to ultimately is most of our problems are of self. Generally something that we desire, we’re unhappy about, or cannot accept. Some of us are completely self obsessed and don’t really have time to think about anyone else. We force our will in all situations and make minimal if any contribution that does not benefit ouselves.

Some popular sayings

This is my world and everyone else is just living in it!”

“Everything ain’t about you! Because it’s all about me!”

“I’m the center of the universe (my universe)”

(You get the idea)

This post is about honest self appraisal. Look at yourself honestly and either adjust and change or maintain the status quot, that is entirely up to you. This is only a small model for self awareness of a condition of life that can place you in a position of opposition with everyone, including yourself. Conversely, it may provide affirmation of an already giving nature.

I have some basic questions which may or may not help you determine if you want to become more altruistic (freely giving of yourself without expectation of return)

1. Do I spend the majority of my time thinking about my wants and needs?
2. Do I always take into consideration the needs of others before my own?
3. Do I have a problem of self that I obsess over and causes me illness?
4. Do I have any issues which dominate my actions, life and/or my thinking?
5. Does my life take priority over all others that it is connected?
6. Am I a giver or am I a taker?

If I’m always thinking of myself there’s no time for anyone else.

If I continually put myself first others will want me to be last, wait in line, or take turns

If I’m always concerned about myself nobody else needs to be.

I have invariably found that I have made decisions in my life based on self which later placed me in a position to be harmed. I have stepped on the toes of the people around me and they retaliated, seemingly without provocation. I believe that most of my problems arose out of self due to self-will running out of control. so most of my troubles were of my own making or exaggerations of my perception.

I lived a good part of my life like a parasite feeding off of others in nearly every relationship. It was always what I was getting, how I was treated, or my significance (ego, pride, Self)(I never really considered what others were receiving in return)even when I made time to give of myself it was on my terms, at my convenience. When I played with my children I didn’t play what they wanted to play, I played what I thought would be fun. At work I always had to be a front runner, calling the shots, always threatened by the ambition of others. At home it was the same, I had to have controls on everything (My will be done). In fact as long as I can remember, once I figured out you couldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to, and that I only had to deal with the consequences, I did whatever I wanted. My brother Scott told me once, after I came to him with concerns about friends and acceptance. He said “Who cares what anyone else thinks, this is your world and everyone else is just living in it” New Years eve one year I was around 16, Scott and I wanted to go to this party. We went upstairs and asked Mom if we could go. Mom said, “No, that’s going to be a drinking party, and besides you’re grounded for 3 months.” Scott and I returned to the basement, he was aggravated and said “I don’t give a shit, I’m going are you going or what?” I said, “we’re grounded” Then Scott unknowingly said something that would change my life. He said, “We are going to be grounded until we turn 18, we can do whatever we want, what are they going to do, ground us?” My poor Mom and Dad, there is 7 of us kids and we were all a bit mischievous. Scott and I went to the party, despite my Mothers direction and didn’t return home until around dinner time the next day. At the party, I was completely wasted long before new year. In fact the only thing I remember clearly, is someone saying “somebodies past out on the bathroom floor” to which I said, “kick em they’ll get up” only to open my eyes and be looking at the base of the toilet.

Once I stopped thinking about myself all the time most of my problems disappeared. By beginning to constantly think of others and how I might be helpful to them, others began to think about me (in a possitive light).

Be well, and enjoy life, put the time in with the people you love, you never know when the last opportunity will be to show them you care, Jason