There are choices to make as we continue on without the ones we love. We can take our mind to a place of soul crushing pain and anguish. We can cease to be in the world of the living, residing in a morass of melancholy sorrow. These things in the short term are not at all in our control, though we try. The emotions and reasoning even long term are hardly manageable. When we repress, attempt to manage, or distract ourselves with work or anything else it it can harm us and the people that miss us “being alive”. I was fortunate enough to have someone tell me “There’s healthy mourning and unhealthy mourning”
“The only way out is through” I took the initial time to really grieve and stay in my suffering of loss. Mourning is a form of prayer, communication of my feelings to God in the form of wailing, crying, yelling and so on. After the first week I tried to dive into work and get back to “normal” but couldn’t even think straight. I guess it came down to beating myself up enough for not making better use of the short time we had. I also equated my loss with Gods will, at first blaming him and then somewhat accepting my sons death as His will, my sons life as a gift, and at some point became grateful for that gift and the time we had. God was the way in and the way out. Without Him I couldn’t have continued. Nearly 12 years since his passing and the saving grace I’ve had is the hope of our reunion in eternal life after a long (short) life we’ll all be together again. We can’t die with them, even tough part of us does, we must go on with a fervent life, do better, love more, and think of others instead of self. I still mourn in a healthy way and am mindful not to get stuck (when I can help it.) Writing poetry and thoughts like this helped (even the bad writing) . If I get in a rut, I talk to God and someone I love to get out. May God bless you and see you though?
The familiar song you used to sing along just began to play
At first a smile and a memory of you and your special way
My heart can’t take when the song is done, you are gone, and I feel all alone
Time stands still with the lump in my throat, I feel I could fall to the floor
I feel weak and my bones can’t support my body anymore, a million pounds they hold me down and no one can pick me up from the floor
I died again and it just plain sucks
I pull it together and begin to move, standing I leave my heart on the floor
I start to work and I stop because the pain I cannot endure
I find my strength and start again working without my heart
Empty chest just move my feet this is how I start
Busy my hands and listen to tunes and try to mend my wounds
Nearly every day is like this and you are missed, the sucker punch or the knife plunges in with a twist
Almost every movie someone’s kid dies and I die again
Relive the moments I last saw you lifeless knowing I will not see you again
I can’t continue to write the tears in my eyes are too thick and I’ve worked myself up to the point where I feel sick.
Love your children and hold them close for they really mean the most.
Sleep sets in I arrive in my nightly scene
cast of haze inside this place
quite an eerie thing
This is where the darkness waits again, fix your mind this is in your brain
Sense of dread within, as I walk through bloodstain
I pray for ease of this strain
Lift the chain
How long must I do this in vein
The occasional horror I am trapped
as if I’ve been grabbed by a force unseen, I can’t scream in my dream
Always silent it would seem
I can’t breathe, I’ve been seized
Something has a hold on me
A phantom it must be
I can’t move, I want to be free
Sliding down the wall I collapse trying to yell
It comes out
Autumn moon’s a flutter, it is winter time
He drinks wine from her lips, as he spills his lies
The heat of their passion fills the room,
They’ve known each other for a time, yet they are strangers
Hiding themselves like children in a game of hide and seek
Oblivious to the fact the other knowns their hidden places
Clinging tightly to that which they think they love, always with the lingering fear of losing their grip
Pulling and undulating, sliding on sweat, striving to make the other never forget
A breath and a whisper of naughty things said, as they behave badly tangled in the bed
A powerful clinch and embrace, ecstasy written all over their face
Lust’s sweet release and primitive peace
Lying into rest after passions success
Fingers through hair they sweep, kisses so sweet and then falling asleep.
Often times we strive for achievement, goals, aspirations, or dreams.
What happens in us when we don’t arrive where we have placed our aspirations?
My life has had a series of high hopes, dreams, and aspirations even some delusion.
I have a tendency to obsess and completely immerse myself in whatever my current focus is.
Most things I’ve set out to accomplish in my life have been realistic. After passing through the delusion and fantasy of my teenage years and my early 20’s. The reality of having two children and a wife by the age of twenty was helpful.
Still wanting to party like a rockstar. I had new things in my life, like “responsibility” “commitment” and “obligation”, accompanied by the low income struggle to pay the bills, keep babies fed and in diapers.
Ufortunatly, I was better at partying. With the lifestyle I lived, trying to be a father and a husband, I was still very driven and wanted to succeed on all fronts. I started my own business at twenty and had limited success for a time but didn’t understand the tourist based economy we lived in. When the tourist go home the work slows and even stops for some as was my case.
With no work coming in, it was necessary for me to get a regular job with a regular income. This meant the end, or at least postponement of my first dream of being a successful contractor.
I adapted, and started a new method, wherein I sought “on the job training” to learn and hone a variety of skilled crafts and trades of my choosing.
I have always been good at working with my hands and learned things very quickly.
I had a tremendous ego combined with a low self-esteem, and alpha-male personality. (Leo)
I did not play well with others and didn’t take shit from anybody.
This of course made me a difficult employee, combined with partying, aggressive behavior, and mental instability, I changed jobs frequently.
I had charm and charisma which would get me in the door.
I would often lose a job and con my way into a new job the very same day.
I eventually aquired a very wide skill set combined with a great work ethic which was taylored for all the trades associated with water, fire , wind, damage, and mold mitigation and restoration (insurance work)
In this my value in the field seemed to make a reasonable trade off for the difficulty of handling me as an employee because I was able to maintain employment despite my best efforts to lose a job.
My dominant personality and abilities made me a driven foreman. Though I wasn’t very well liked by my crews, I did have their respect because we’d get the job done fast and well.
In this line of work we were always responding to disasters all hours of the day and night. Constantly showing up to save the day and give people their lives and homes back. We’d save property, photo albums, keepsakes, and family airelooms. This gave me a heroic feeling and a sense of accomplishment that I love to this day.
Every job has been a little different and I have produced many solutions and adapted to many different circumstances.
My life has been much the same. Seemingly a series of disasters. Many of which were self created.
I used to have the worst luck and “Murphy’s law” was my guide. I would literally roll with the punches every day.
I would be surprised if something didn’t go horribly wrong in my day. Regardless of the problem, I would move directly to the solution “how do I fix this?” And if I couldn’t see the solution it was the two word solution for everything “Forget it” but the other F word.
To the point, I have aspired and strived for many things in my life and have had limited success. Some of my greatest success has been accepting where I have failed or fallen short.
The key I have found to my continued happiness and peace is by continuing to adapt. In doing so I have become adept in life, I keep going, I get up and never stay on the ground.
I have found there doesn’t have to be defeat.
The victory and achievement is realizing you’ve done what you were capable of doing and that’s enough.
Our measure is not by others or by self.
It is by God alone. It is not our plan but His that matters and in every experience is the opportunity for enlightenment.
Keep going, Jason
Go to sleep another day in vein Tried to drown my sorrows and all that pain
Four drinks in and I didn’t feel the same
As a matter of fact I couldn’t feel a thing
Something happens at around twelve drinks in
When I’m all alone and feel like I don’t have a friend
I turn the bottle up again thinking I should do myself in
I get angry and destroy everything around
I drank enough whisky to put an average man down
Why am I here again I say with my head low
What happened to me I do not know
I don’t understand how it’s all turned to shit
It’s everything, I just don’t get it
Everything is spinning I need to lay down
This is as good as any this spot on the ground
My head is humming buzzing in my ears
It’s the same thing again, I’ve been doing for years
My nightly prayer was to let it end
So I didn’t have to wake up like Groundhog Day and do it again
Waking in the morning angry at the world
Wife says what’s wrong with you, I say I woke up, what a pearl
I’m sick of this stuff
She was the one who had it rough
When it hurt bad enough I finally stopped
I remember praying a lot
I started going to meetings and just didn’t drink
I started listening to people I didn’t even know
Because they were sober and I had no place to go
Someone told me I should be proud of myself for being a jerk
It was the culmination of my entire life’s work
I should be happy and give myself a pat on the back
He asked if that made me angry, I wanted to give him a smack
I said yes
He said, that’s because It’s true you’re really a mess
The good news is you never have to feel this way again
All you have to do is change everything my friend
I have to admit I didn’t know what he meant then
He said what are you willing to do to get sober again
I’ll do anything, I want it to be over
Since then I’ve made many less mistakes when I started over
By doing whatever it takes, willingness to change has set me free
I had to trust somebody else so that I could see my drinking wasn’t the problem, the problem was me.
I had a living hell of a life that I created
I let go and was emancipated
God will set you free if you trust in him and do the work
Test the theory and see if it’s true begin to pray and it will happen for you, even I stopped being a jerk!
Recovered Alcoholic, Jason
“If” we pay attention we learn our right relationship with the universe through our personal experience as it relates. (Mistakes or correct action)In other words over time we learn what works and doesn’t work (we can still choose to do things wrong against what is natural, knowing it doesn’t work, trying to force it because it’s comfortable, or we can practice what is right and uncomfortable until it’s comfortable and natural producing the proper result by righteous action.)
The many past perceptions which proved to be erroneous over time, were once our present state of mind. Perhaps our thinking in this moment today is incorrect. Possibly, hopefully we have learned from life experience and our judgement is better. The increments of learning are usually small and happen over a long period of time due to ego, obstinance, or plain stubbornness. When we are young we say “I know” or “I…
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