Tag Archives: #death

The Only Way Out is Through

So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!

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Smoke and Dreams

It often seems like smoke and dreams,

I’ve been led to the end of my schemes.

I wonder what it would be like not to be me.

If only for an hour, or just one minute, could I be free, could I forget?

If I did I’d likely have regret.

Is this my reality, is this only smoke and dreams, or is everything just as it seems.

I’m sure I will get the answers when it’s my turn to die, I don’t need to understand, or go crazy asking why?

I have to accept things just the way they are, and say good-bye for now.

We will meet again someday somewhere somehow.

My heart is broken and my eyes hold my tears in,

I will always love you my eternal friend throughout and beyond my lifes end.

In memory of my son Jordan Timothy Byers 3–05–91 to 6–23–05

By Jason Byers sober since 6–23–05

Child of Light

Bitter morass of darkness like unending night

Moonbeams obscured by the midnight flight of a raven

I watch silently in horror of the coming day

The simple comfort of loneliness surrounds me with its sweet melancholy touch

I look into the window of my mind, and the room is empty

Hope has ended

I long for the resurrection of my soul, that I may be whole once more

The dawn comes soon yet I find myself frightened

Deaths touch is not welcomed

I am warmed by the breath of the woman who loves me

The children smile that I might live

The new day is here

I move forward, like walking in a snowdrifts cold

I cannot stop, for I would die

I walk for the warmth of love

To give the strength of giants from the frail weakness of a wilted flower

Child of light coming out of darkness

Living in a world with out end

The new day must begin

Live

And spread goodness

Jason Byers