Night Terror

Sleep sets in I arrive in my nightly scene 

cast of haze inside this place

quite an eerie thing

This is where the darkness waits again, fix your mind this is in your brain

Sense of dread within, as I walk through bloodstain 

I pray for ease of this strain 

Lift the chain

How long must I do this in vein 

The occasional horror I am trapped 

as if I’ve been grabbed by a force unseen, I can’t scream in my dream 

Always silent it would seem

I can’t breathe, I’ve been seized 

Something has a hold on me

A phantom it must be

I can’t move, I want to be free

Sliding down the wall I collapse trying to yell

hhhellp! HHhelp!! 

It comes out 

HELP ME!!!

Salt In The Cake

Today’s my birthday, my 46th birthday to be exact. I never thought I’d survive past 30, I was a wild one. 

Oh, what my eyes have seen and my heart has felt. 

The change of my thinking as time’s gone forward is profound. I remember the revelations I seamed to have almost annually, about how screwed up my thinking was the year before and the changes I needed to make to better myself. As years poured forward even the annual assessment was questionable, because I’d put yet another year of chaos and bad choices into it. I know today that many of those years and bad choices were due to alcohol & pot. My thinking wasn’t right and I didn’t realize that’s what caused it. The alcohol chemically imbalanced me and the weed made me lethargic (I could care less). I do not miss them, they stole quite a bit of time from me. This year my mind is clear. 10 years I’ve lived sober (really lived). I think of the 22 years of mental fog and misunderstanding I had in that time and don’t regret it. I’ve learned so much, I do wish that I hadn’t negatively impacted the lives of the people I love through divorce, absence, and the insanity of drinking. I understand everything happens for a reason and I was part of the seasoning of who they all are, as much as it is part of who I am. There’s a little salt in the best sweets, a few steps doesn’t account for the journey and many of us stumble. The secret is keep going and pay attention to where you’re heading. Chances are you’ll get there just fine. 

My Story in Loss & and My Restoration

Inspire Blog

October 12 2009

I take that day and Jordans’ birthday off from work every year. It’s been 4 years for us it doesn’t seem to get any easier. For about three weeks before and three weeks after, I’d have anxiety, depression, and anger. My surviving children might as well be bubble wrapped. I’m always so protective because I’m so afraid of what could happen. I’ve had different horrific dreams where tragic things happened to my other children and I’ve held their lifeless bodies in my hands, waking in terror. I would check on them in their beds and thank God they were alright. After a rain one day, I spun our SUV around completely doing about 60 on a four lane highway with cars all around, nearly missing them and went off the road backward. I said “God please no! I?” I thought it was going to be really bad…

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VICTORY

Taking your life and make it a living testimony to others.

Your story is unique to you, but there’s likely others that can identify with the events of your life.

If you’ve gone through the dark woods, climbed the mountain, swam the rapids, and weathered the storm, you have the gift of experience.

You’ve been there you’ve done that, maybe you wrote a book (LOL)

The question is, was it all for nothing?
Absolutely not, you can help where perhaps no one else can.

You can show someone else the way, how you were victorious, how did you go on living a happy life.

Veteran?
Wounded veteran?
Cancer survivor?
Abused?
Molested?
Raped?
Death of parents?
children?
spouse?
Recovered Alcoholic?
Sex, drug addict?
gambler?
Amputee?
Paraplegic?
Impaired?
Add infitum

What’s your experience, where have you found strength, and what is your hope?

Now where can you carry your message of hope, and also receive hope and healing telling your story and from listening to others.

There are many groups which are free to attend that would greatly benefit by your participation.
Pick the difficulty you’ve overcome and search out a support group, or create it.
There’s only one you, and nobody will ever no your experience unless you share it, let it not be in vein but in victory.
Healing’s in helping, Jason