Category Archives: Sick & tired

My journey through Loss and mourning.


There are choices to make as we continue on without the ones we love. We can take our mind to a place of soul crushing pain and anguish. We can cease to be in the world of the living, residing in a morass of melancholy sorrow. These things in the short term are not at all in our control, though we try. The emotions and reasoning even long term are hardly manageable. When we repress, attempt to manage, or distract ourselves with work or anything else it it can harm us and the people that miss us “being alive”. I was fortunate enough to have someone tell me “There’s healthy mourning and unhealthy mourning”
“The only way out is through” I took the initial time to really grieve and stay in my suffering of loss mourning is a form of prayer, communication of my feelings to God in the form of wailing, crying, yelling and so on. After the first week I tried to dive into work and get back to “normal” but couldn’t even think straight. I guess it came down to beating myself up enough for not making better use of the short time we had. I also equated my loss with Gods will, at first blaming him and then somewhat accepting my sons death as His will, my sons life as a gift, and at some point became grateful for that gift and the time we had. God was the way in and the way out. Without Him I couldn’t have continued. Nearly 12 years since his passing and the saving grace I’ve had is the hope of our reunion in eternal life after a long (short) life we’ll all be together again. We can’t die with them even tough part of us does, we must go on with a fervent life, do better, love more, and think of others instead of self. I still mourn in a healthy way and am mindful not to get stuck (when I can help it.) Writing poetry and thoughts like this helped (even the bad writing) . If I get in a rut, I talk to God and someone I love to get out. May God bless you and see you though?

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Educated by Life

“If” we pay attention we learn our right relationship with the universe through our personal experience as it relates. (Mistakes or correct action)In other words over time we learn what works and doesn’t work (we can still choose to do things wrong against what is natural, knowing it doesn’t work, trying to force it because it’s comfortable, or we can practice what is right and uncomfortable until it’s comfortable and natural producing the proper result by righteous action.) 

The many past perceptions which proved to be erroneous over time, were once our present state of mind. Perhaps our thinking in this moment today is incorrect. Possibly, hopefully we have learned from life experience and our judgement is better. The increments of learning are usually small and happen over a long period of time due to ego, obstinance, or  plain stubbornness. When we are young we say “I know” or “I have this under control” (I got this) as to not let anyone flex their intellectual superiority on us (even when we didn’t know). I was fortunate enough at an early age to question everything and listen to what people had to say (l learned a lot right and wrong). In the same breath I can say in many cases I was only as properly informed as the sources of my answers. Always verify your sources and seek as many intelligent people you would emulate as you’re able with the same question (you may get that many different answers and they may all be wrong). If educated by the village idiot we may be in line for the title. Our best answers are given when we’re not asking or talking, unfortunately we usually have to hear them many times before we actually listen. When it comes to real personal experience there’s no better teacher. Test it out! Apply it to your life, does it work? Pain is a great motivator for correction if it hurts enough or brings us discomfort on any level we will normally avoid making the mistake again. I say normally because we will trade large amounts of pain, suffering and unhappiness for fleeting moments of euphoria or bliss. There’s something fundamentally screwed up with most of us. We’ll allow a cycle to continue for years until we decide the trade off is no longer worth the suffering. The point is really far away from most of what I wrote. It is GET TO KNOW YOURSELF AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE WORLD AND PEOPLE AROUND YOU, take time to access your journey (good and bad/blunders and achievements). 

Simple questions to help but only s start;

Am I happy with my life right now? (Where we’re at in our lives right now is the culmination of our life’s work, if we’re not happy we should change)

Are the things I invest my time, talent, and money going to produce the life I hope for? (A friend told me where I put most of these things into is my God or Master in other words, the most important thing in my life)

Am I a giving person or a taker? (Balance in all relationships is key, I am not the center of the universe)
Is my present path sustainable or am I constantly waiting for something bad to happen? (Sometimes we get caught in a vicious cycle because we don’t want to change or just give up)

There is more than existing, but we have to be living. The events of life are momentary we’re not supposed to relive them over and over. The fact is we cant. We’re supposed to feel, access, learn, accept and move on. If you need help ask for it, seek a psychologist, group therapy, grief counseling or a clinical professional who can help you to find your happy life.

The secret to life is keep living!

Jason Byers

The Only Way Out is Through

So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!

“I Need a New Life!”

Someone said this the other day. I understand how someone can get to this point. I even understand why someone would settle into a life they no longer enjoy. (The lives of innocent children or fear of the unknown and emotional or economic security.) If you’re at the point that you say “I need a new life!” I offer this;
Every second is life anew! What makes it different is our actions. I would encourage you above all else not to settle. If your life is affected negatively by others (husband/wife) or things are just not right. They will stay that way or likely get worse unless loving action is taken. If you don’t like what you have fight for what you had, or something new and better. The elephant in the room won’t be ignored, communicate. It doesn’t have to be all at once, a simple start can be made with a desire for positive change. Referring to a fond memory saying “Remember that time we_________ we were so in love, I want to feel like that again. Together, I think we can do anything, we can be like that again if we try.” Then work toward that ideal (maybe a couples retreat, marriage counseling. Date night, a vacation, something, anything, just don’t give up). Above all else approaching it as a desire to remain with, and appreciation for the relationship is key, it takes two to make a relationship what it is, you mostly get what you give.

If it’s your job carefully or prayerfully consider change. Take steps, put out a resume, seek opportunities online, or even go back to school.
If you don’t have a marriage or children there’s not as many factors involved in changing your life. They can be small changes or big ones. These are some potential changes for all
Routines, hangouts, diets, exercise, habits, lifestyle, haircut, wardrobe, paint rooms, clean, or declutter. Look into self help, group therapy, get a life coach. If your on medication talk to your doctor and be especially careful if your change will affect the lives of others.
The bottom line is don’t just settle for being unhappy, change yourself, that is the one thing we can do.

What I do, and suggest for everyone is praying for direction and Gods Will to be done in all things. Then understanding or acceptance of whatever troubles me.

Hang on to your happily ever after. You can still find it or work toward it.
Love everyone, especially yourself, you’re an awesome creation worthy of love and appreciation, ~ J ~