Category Archives: turn back time

Independence or In dependence

 

I rebelled and struck out on my own as early as I was unable. I wanted to be my own man, I felt alone like it was me against the world and that nobody truly cared about me. I didn’t realize until years later how wrong I was. I see today by forcing my independence and not allowing anyone to get close to me out of fear of being hurt or letting them down is what lead to my isolation. I told my Wife before I married her “That I was going to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and would not answer to her”. The reason I said that, or so I thought, was to proclaim my independence. In reality I was trying to shrug accountability and responsibility. The two words I just typed struck me funny, because that’s exactly where I was going with this. Allow me to clarify, both words have ability in them and that is it in a nutshell. I drank and when I did, there was no telling what would happen, where I might end up, when or if I’d even come home. So rather than continually having to apologize or justify behavior which was really beyond my control, I created my escape hatch. The irony is that I proclaimed my independence because of my dependence on alcohol. No excuses to be made, no arguments to have, I do what I want! right? Of course, this thinking was as flawed as my drinking. I built walls made of false fronts and bravado, I covered myself with a mask where you could no longer see me. There I was trapped by independence, a prisoner in my own mind

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I had all of these preconceived notions about everyone. Hiding inside, I’d think to myself I wonder if you like me or if you think I’m crazy. In nearly the same thought, think that I didn’t care, I don’t need anyone I’m my friend. I’d them assess your flaws and think of what I didn’t like about you in case you didn’t like me so your opinion wouldn’t count. I could then preserve my false pride and superiority while I battled my inferiority. I noticed over time how my scenery changed. The group of people and the establishments I frequented became, let’s say, less sophisticated. Seeking to be accepted yet never wanting to join. I was independent other than the fact that my entire life was dependent on the people around me and how long they’d tolerate the insanity. The very systems and thinking I put in place to maintain my independence finally succeeded and I was independent, in dependence and completely alone, with the exception of God. I talked to Him a lot but wouldn’t hear Him. At that point, when I didn’t understand why my life was like it was, I started to seek answers. I became honest with myself, I opened my mind to new ideas and principles, and most of all I became willing to change. I’m going to play on words because this came to me suddenly and made sense. I realized in any relationship which I am a partner I have to do a part. Also, that the whole world didn’t revolve around me and when I refused to participate it would just pass me by. Again, in order for me to be an active participant in my own life, I had to do my part. I began to tear at my walls. I found that I built the walls a long time ago, when I was a scared child and while in there I couldn’t see everything clearly. My vision was obscured by my perception. Like a plant without the proper son light I didn’t grow much emotionally and stayed a small scared child inside. Once I started to break down the walls and barriers that kept me inside I found they were primarily constructed of bottles of booze, drugs, cemented with lies I told myself to justify my behaviors and the things that brought me pleasure. When I discovered that was what had blocked me all these years, I began to kick and strike at them. I became angry but the walls were amazingly strong and I couldn’t break through on my own. I was dependent upon them to secure my independence. I began to cry out for help, it seemed nobody was listening. When I stopped yelling I could hear a faint voice say just stop drinking, start to do the next right thing that is in front of you. Trust another person who had walls like yours and together we will take them down.

True independence is based on total dependence and reliance upon God. He is the One who created us for a special purpose. We are designed to seek the peace and euphoria only He can provide. Drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, eating, pain and all of the things that bring some of us a similar feeling will not suffice, so we need more. We find in time, as you might expect, they stop working and the very thing we use for reliance, independence, and peace becomes our captor.

Break the chains of addiction and the vicious cycle of self will, seek the purpose of your creation, and ask God to help you offer yourself and your life to Him with complete abandon and fulfill your purpose. He will help as long as you’re willing to follow His gentle direction.

Good life to you, Jason

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My Story in Loss &and My Restoration

October 12 2009

I take that day and Jordans’ birthday off from work every year. It’s been 4 years for us it doesn’t seem to get any easier. For about three weeks before and three weeks after, I’d have anxiety, depression, and anger. My surviving children might as well be bubble wrapped. I’m always so protective because I’m so afraid of what could happen. I’ve had different horrific dreams where tragic things happened to my other children and I’ve held their lifeless bodies in my hands, waking in terror. I would check on them in their beds and thank God they were alright. After a rain one day, I spun our SUV around completely doing about 60 on a four lane highway with cars all around, nearly missing them and went off the road backward. I said “God please no! I?” I thought it was going to be really bad, but “Thank you God” we were completely unharmed.
I started to have a nervous breakdown, and was detaching from reality in the first year. I was involved in recovery for my drinking problem about 4 months prior to my boys’ death. He was the only one that really believed it would be different this time. One week short of 4 months sober I drank again. Essentially having a tantrum with God for not giving me my life back. I said to Him “I’m miserable! I might as well be a drunk! I’m going to be a drunk and there’s nothing you can do about it!” A couple bad weeks later my children came to visit fathers day weekend. I told Jordan to go throw away this messy gel toy he just broke before he got it on his clothes. I had forgotten I had the can slap full of beer bottles. When I remembered I said “That’s the community can as he opened it (like they weren’t my bottles). He looked at me as if to say its OK dad. I felt bad but was at a point where I couldn’t help it. That was the last day I saw him alive. I’m telling you part of my story, how it affected me, and some of the ways I coped or didn’t. I have no Idea of your loss or how you’re affected by the circumstances of your life. I can’t imagine or sort my own feelings out at times. I wouldn’t even guess at yours, but if you can use any part of my experience to help, well that’s my hope. While I was drinking again my life sucked again, I’m basically a lunatic while actively drinking. The point is alcohol didn’t help me anymore, it didn’t make me feel good, and it just made me feel more intense and worse. I haven’t drank since I heard the news of his death. I was trying AA and the first 3 steps 1. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. 3 Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. I went through a lot of difficult times when I was growing up and months before my son died while I was trying to do this AA stuff I prayed- “God, if any of my children had to suffer like I have in their lifetime that He take them while they were their most innocent.” Days before my son’s death I was drinking some beers by myself, sitting at this little table in my shoe box of an apartment. This is while I was separated and half drunk, with some half assed wanna be spirituality. I was kind of talking to God and writing on paper how “I appreciated the ultimate sacrifice of Christ on the cross and how I too would make the same sacrifice for the greater good of mankind, because I felt that everyone was good at heart” (Drunk) anyway I figure I was talking to God and I was out of line that was Gods son that Wednesday 6/23/2005 my son Jordan died answering my foolish words and prayer. My son Jordan had came to visit me months ago and he was having problems fitting in and feeling different. He hung out with the goth kids, was also very unique. I told him the reason he didn’t fit in was because he had a light in his heart. I told him he should find God. Jordan started going to church and completely changed. He died while he was his most innocent (Like my prayer). After his passing I was given his Bible it was marked at the book of Job. All of Jobs’ kids died on the same day. This was the first full book I read out of The Bible at this point I have no religion or church, but I can’t go on. Nothing seemed real anymore, it was like I was half conscious. I was at work trying to figure out what to do and thought about AA and that third step about turning my will and life over to the care of God. Suddenly, I thought Gods’ will for me so far was for me to be divorced from my first wife and estranged from my children. Then separated from my second wife and to be estranged from those children and now his will is for my son to die. Thinking about the book of Job, I thought what if his will for me is for all of my kids to die! At that moment I felt like I was crushed and my core emptied out leaving me with a hollow feeling. There was nothing left. I couldn’t anymore, I just couldn’t. I said aloud “If that’s you’re will for me so be it, you can have everything my wife my kids, down to my very life, it is already yours, just please help me?” I haven’t wanted to drink since. As far as coping I’ve been put in a position where I’ve shared that experience with people and threw telling it and feeling it has helped a little. I try to help other people; it helps me not to think about myself especially during those 2 very hard times of the year. I’ve tried to get closer to God, I joined a church. Three and a half years later around Jordan’s’ birthday I got really screwed up (mental/emotional) and the priest gave me the anointing of the sick something changed, I feel different it’s still very hard. I have more clarity and grieve in a healthier way I can’t really explain it. Much like all of the feelings that go with all this there’re no words. At any rate I went to RCIA (school for adults to inquire and/or become Catholic). I wasn’t feeling it but over time I had an open mind and it started to feel right so I went with it. I couldn’t get through a day by myself. I tried grief counseling at Hospice at 1 year, I couldn’t do it anything helped. I will tell you God helped me and has been greater than I ever imagined He keeps me fully alive for the rest of my children and my wife. Try to ask for help if you can’t do it anymore or you’re having trouble. This works for me when I have bad days. Some days I couldn’t get past my grief. It has been about 6 months since I took the anointing and a day like that hasn’t happened. Love the ones that are still here and love the one that’s with God. Love is infinite and surpasses all. I pray on the day of my Son’s death to grieve in a healthy way and not to drift into morbid self pity. I light an all day candle in the morning asks God to tell my boy I love him. I say I love you Jordan or Son whenever I think of him. I say I miss you Boy and think of the familiar pat I used to give him or little things he’d say or do then smile with some big tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I try to thank God for the very special time I had with him here, and ask him to take good care of him for me and that we one day may be reunited. My heart is with you.
I did cuss at God when my boy died, I didn’t understand, I still don’t understand. I understand that I don’t need to understand, I need to accept and come to peace knowing he is home he just beat me there. With love Jason

This corresponds directly with my blog “Destitute”
Thank you for reading this is from years ago, I found it and thought I’d share. I know it’s heavy; I wanted to provide perspective of my source of inspiration

Fast Fix From Your Inner Child

This is a great tool for turning things around, if you are feeling down.

When we we’re kids things were simple. Now that we’ve grown up everything is insanely complicated. We can’t help but get run over by the things in our lives sometimes, hell, sometimes our lives back up and park on top of us.

The temporary “Fast Fix”

Think back to when you were little, think of your favorite things, sounds, places you went, and what really used to light you up inside.

I’ve used this method many times but I thought of sharing this today because where the concept came from, occured as I was demolishing a wall. It wasn’t coming out easy and I was tinking this sucks. Then off in the distance I heard a train horn and the sounds of a train. It immediately changed my mood, I LOVE TRAINS! when I was a kid I’d freak out everytime I saw one, I’m sure I drove everybody nuts because they’re everywhere where I’m from.

That’s one of mine here’s a quick list of some others:

Smells, sights, and places of yesteryear- Cotton candy the stand becomming a sticky mess, Eating sweetcorn at the fair, the fair, going to the candy store with my Grandpa Fleener (that’s a great one) fishing in the catfish pond, exploring, and countless others

There’s also fragrances people we love that have gone used to wear, soaps, detergents and cleaning products that bring a tangible presence.

Additionally, songs/sounds from when you were little, I play “I’d like to teach the world to sing” sometimes to time travel back to the 70’s or Gordon Lightfoot

I even put  “The Hugo Montenegro Orchestra” (Composer of The Good The Bad and The Ugly and Pink Panther) in on Pandora and it plays movie soundtracks. I can invision places in the films and in my life.

Youtube is good as well for old shows and cartoons

Make your own mental list and use it you’ll be amazed by the results!  Try what works for you find other methods, search yourself and go to a happier place and time

Good things to you, Jason