Tag Archives: #recovery

Groundhog Day 

Go to sleep another day in vein Tried to drown my sorrows and all that pain

Four drinks in and I didn’t feel the same 

As a matter of fact I couldn’t feel a thing

Something happens at around twelve drinks in

When I’m all alone and feel like I don’t have a friend 

I turn the bottle up again thinking I should do myself in

I get angry and destroy everything around

I drank enough whisky to put an average man down

Why am I here again I say with my head low 

What happened to me I do not know

I don’t understand how it’s all turned to shit

It’s everything, I just don’t get it

Everything is spinning I need to lay down 

This is as good as any this spot on the ground

My head is humming buzzing in my ears

It’s the same thing again, I’ve been doing for years

My nightly prayer was to let it end

So I didn’t have to wake up like Groundhog Day and do it again

Waking in the morning angry at the world

Wife says what’s wrong with you, I say I woke up, what a pearl

I’m sick of this stuff 

She was the one who had it rough

When it hurt bad enough I finally stopped 

I remember praying a lot

I started going to meetings and just didn’t drink 

I started listening to people I didn’t even know 

Because they were sober and I had no place to go

Someone told me I should be proud of myself for being a jerk

It was the culmination of my entire life’s work 

I should be happy and give myself a pat on the back 

He asked if that made me angry, I wanted to give him a smack 

I said yes

He said, that’s because It’s true you’re really a mess

The good news is you never have to feel this way again

All you have to do is change everything my friend

I have to admit I didn’t know what he meant then

He said what are you willing to do to get sober again

I’ll do anything, I want it to be over

Since then I’ve made many less mistakes when I started over

By doing whatever it takes, willingness to change has set me free

I had to trust somebody else so that I could see my drinking wasn’t the problem, the problem was me.

I had a living hell of a life that I created 

I let go and was emancipated 

God will set you free if you trust in him and do the work

Test the theory and see if it’s true begin to pray and it will happen for you, even I stopped being a jerk!
Recovered Alcoholic, Jason

The Masters Stroke

The Master artists stroke of the wind
painting with cloud 
highlighting with sunset in a vast array of color, from his unique pallet atop waters edge 
still and clear like a plate glass mirror 
as if to complement the artists work

 

showing a clear copy in itself 

doubling the beauty that has been created
yet my mortal eye catches but a glimpse
the smallest grain of sand a remarkable sculpture itself
the wonders I miss are okay with me, I will cherish the sight as I see. 

SELF as the Center of the Universe

 

I will speak from my experience, material I have read and principles I continually work. Some of what I say may have a familiar ring if you are in recovery, some you likely have not heard.

I’ll start with a quote and this is a fundamental concept for change.

“It is through self forgetting that we no peace.”

If you can wrap your head around this concept and apply it to your life you will be content.

What it boils down to ultimately is most of our problems are of self. Generally something that we desire, we’re unhappy about, or cannot accept. Some of us are completely self obsessed and don’t really have time to think about anyone else. We force our will in all situations and make minimal if any contribution that does not benefit ouselves.

Some popular sayings

This is my world and everyone else is just living in it!”

“Everything ain’t about you! Because it’s all about me!”

“I’m the center of the universe (my universe)”

(You get the idea)

This post is about honest self appraisal. Look at yourself honestly and either adjust and change or maintain the status quot, that is entirely up to you. This is only a small model for self awareness of a condition of life that can place you in a position of opposition with everyone, including yourself. Conversely, it may provide affirmation of an already giving nature.

I have some basic questions which may or may not help you determine if you want to become more altruistic (freely giving of yourself without expectation of return)

  1. Do I spend the majority of my time thinking about my wants and needs?
  2. Do I always take into consideration the needs of others before my own?
  3. Do I have a problem of self that I obsess over and causes me illness?
  4. Do I have any issues which dominate my actions, life and/or my thinking?
  5. Does my life take priority over all others that it is connected?
  6. Am I a giver or am I a taker?

If I’m always thinking of myself there’s no time for anyone else.

If I continually put myself first others will want me to be last, wait in line, or take turns

If I’m always concerned about myself nobody else needs to be.

I have invariably found that I have made decisions in my life based on self which later placed me in a position to be harmed. I have stepped on the toes of the people around me and they retaliated, seemingly without provocation. I believe that most of my problems arose out of self due to self-will running out of control. so most of my troubles were of my own making or exaggerations of my perception.

I lived a good part of my life like a parasite feeding off of others in nearly every relationship. It was always what I was getting, how I was treated, or my significance (ego, pride, Self)(I never really considered what others were receiving in return)even when I made time to give of myself it was on my terms, at my convenience. When I played with my children I didn’t play what they wanted to play, I played what I thought would be fun. At work I always had to be a front runner, calling the shots, always threatened by the ambition of others. At home it was the same, I had to have controls on everything (My will be done). In fact as long as I can remember, once I figured out you couldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to, and that I only had to deal with the consequences, I did whatever I wanted. My brother Scott told me once, after I came to him with concerns about friends and acceptance. He said “Who cares what anyone else thinks, this is your world and everyone else is just living in it” New Years eve one year I was around 16, Scott and I wanted to go to this party. We went upstairs and asked Mom if we could go. Mom said, “No, that’s going to be a drinking party, and besides you’re grounded for 3 months.” Scott and I returned to the basement, he was aggravated and said “I don’t give a shit, I’m going are you going or what?” I said, “we’re grounded” Then Scott unknowingly said something that would change my life. He said, “We are going to be grounded until we turn 18, we can do whatever we want, what are they going to do, ground us?” My poor Mom and Dad, there is 7 of us kids and we were all a bit mischievous. Scott and I went to the party, despite my Mothers direction and didn’t return home until around dinner time the next day. At the party, I was completely wasted long before new year. In fact the only thing I remember clearly, is someone saying “somebodies past out on the bathroom floor” to which I said, “kick em they’ll get up” only to open my eyes and be looking at the base of the toilet.

Once I stopped thinking about myself all the time most of my problems disappeared. By beginning to constantly think of others and how I might be helpful to them, others began to think about me (in a possitive light).

Be well, and enjoy life, put the time in with the people you love, you never know when the last opportunity will be to show them you care, Jason

My Story in Loss &and My Restoration

October 12 2009

I take that day and Jordans’ birthday off from work every year. It’s been 4 years for us it doesn’t seem to get any easier. For about three weeks before and three weeks after, I’d have anxiety, depression, and anger. My surviving children might as well be bubble wrapped. I’m always so protective because I’m so afraid of what could happen. I’ve had different horrific dreams where tragic things happened to my other children and I’ve held their lifeless bodies in my hands, waking in terror. I would check on them in their beds and thank God they were alright. After a rain one day, I spun our SUV around completely doing about 60 on a four lane highway with cars all around, nearly missing them and went off the road backward. I said “God please no! I?” I thought it was going to be really bad, but “Thank you God” we were completely unharmed.
I started to have a nervous breakdown, and was detaching from reality in the first year. I was involved in recovery for my drinking problem about 4 months prior to my boys’ death. He was the only one that really believed it would be different this time. One week short of 4 months sober I drank again. Essentially having a tantrum with God for not giving me my life back. I said to Him “I’m miserable! I might as well be a drunk! I’m going to be a drunk and there’s nothing you can do about it!” A couple bad weeks later my children came to visit fathers day weekend. I told Jordan to go throw away this messy gel toy he just broke before he got it on his clothes. I had forgotten I had the can slap full of beer bottles. When I remembered I said “That’s the community can as he opened it (like they weren’t my bottles). He looked at me as if to say its OK dad. I felt bad but was at a point where I couldn’t help it. That was the last day I saw him alive. I’m telling you part of my story, how it affected me, and some of the ways I coped or didn’t. I have no Idea of your loss or how you’re affected by the circumstances of your life. I can’t imagine or sort my own feelings out at times. I wouldn’t even guess at yours, but if you can use any part of my experience to help, well that’s my hope. While I was drinking again my life sucked again, I’m basically a lunatic while actively drinking. The point is alcohol didn’t help me anymore, it didn’t make me feel good, and it just made me feel more intense and worse. I haven’t drank since I heard the news of his death. I was trying AA and the first 3 steps 1. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. 3 Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. I went through a lot of difficult times when I was growing up and months before my son died while I was trying to do this AA stuff I prayed- “God, if any of my children had to suffer like I have in their lifetime that He take them while they were their most innocent.” Days before my son’s death I was drinking some beers by myself, sitting at this little table in my shoe box of an apartment. This is while I was separated and half drunk, with some half assed wanna be spirituality. I was kind of talking to God and writing on paper how “I appreciated the ultimate sacrifice of Christ on the cross and how I too would make the same sacrifice for the greater good of mankind, because I felt that everyone was good at heart” (Drunk) anyway I figure I was talking to God and I was out of line that was Gods son that Wednesday 6/23/2005 my son Jordan died answering my foolish words and prayer. My son Jordan had came to visit me months ago and he was having problems fitting in and feeling different. He hung out with the goth kids, was also very unique. I told him the reason he didn’t fit in was because he had a light in his heart. I told him he should find God. Jordan started going to church and completely changed. He died while he was his most innocent (Like my prayer). After his passing I was given his Bible it was marked at the book of Job. All of Jobs’ kids died on the same day. This was the first full book I read out of The Bible at this point I have no religion or church, but I can’t go on. Nothing seemed real anymore, it was like I was half conscious. I was at work trying to figure out what to do and thought about AA and that third step about turning my will and life over to the care of God. Suddenly, I thought Gods’ will for me so far was for me to be divorced from my first wife and estranged from my children. Then separated from my second wife and to be estranged from those children and now his will is for my son to die. Thinking about the book of Job, I thought what if his will for me is for all of my kids to die! At that moment I felt like I was crushed and my core emptied out leaving me with a hollow feeling. There was nothing left. I couldn’t anymore, I just couldn’t. I said aloud “If that’s you’re will for me so be it, you can have everything my wife my kids, down to my very life, it is already yours, just please help me?” I haven’t wanted to drink since. As far as coping I’ve been put in a position where I’ve shared that experience with people and threw telling it and feeling it has helped a little. I try to help other people; it helps me not to think about myself especially during those 2 very hard times of the year. I’ve tried to get closer to God, I joined a church. Three and a half years later around Jordan’s’ birthday I got really screwed up (mental/emotional) and the priest gave me the anointing of the sick something changed, I feel different it’s still very hard. I have more clarity and grieve in a healthier way I can’t really explain it. Much like all of the feelings that go with all this there’re no words. At any rate I went to RCIA (school for adults to inquire and/or become Catholic). I wasn’t feeling it but over time I had an open mind and it started to feel right so I went with it. I couldn’t get through a day by myself. I tried grief counseling at Hospice at 1 year, I couldn’t do it anything helped. I will tell you God helped me and has been greater than I ever imagined He keeps me fully alive for the rest of my children and my wife. Try to ask for help if you can’t do it anymore or you’re having trouble. This works for me when I have bad days. Some days I couldn’t get past my grief. It has been about 6 months since I took the anointing and a day like that hasn’t happened. Love the ones that are still here and love the one that’s with God. Love is infinite and surpasses all. I pray on the day of my Son’s death to grieve in a healthy way and not to drift into morbid self pity. I light an all day candle in the morning asks God to tell my boy I love him. I say I love you Jordan or Son whenever I think of him. I say I miss you Boy and think of the familiar pat I used to give him or little things he’d say or do then smile with some big tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I try to thank God for the very special time I had with him here, and ask him to take good care of him for me and that we one day may be reunited. My heart is with you.
I did cuss at God when my boy died, I didn’t understand, I still don’t understand. I understand that I don’t need to understand, I need to accept and come to peace knowing he is home he just beat me there. With love Jason

This corresponds directly with my blog “Destitute”
Thank you for reading this is from years ago, I found it and thought I’d share. I know it’s heavy; I wanted to provide perspective of my source of inspiration