There are choices to make as we continue on without the ones we love. We can take our mind to a place of soul crushing pain and anguish. We can cease to be in the world of the living, residing in a morass of melancholy sorrow. These things in the short term are not at all in our control, though we try. The emotions and reasoning even long term are hardly manageable. When we repress, attempt to manage, or distract ourselves with work or anything else it it can harm us and the people that miss us “being alive”. I was fortunate enough to have someone tell me “There’s healthy mourning and unhealthy mourning”
“The only way out is through” I took the initial time to really grieve and stay in my suffering of loss. Mourning is a form of prayer, communication of my feelings to God in the form of wailing, crying, yelling and so on. After the first week I tried to dive into work and get back to “normal” but couldn’t even think straight. I guess it came down to beating myself up enough for not making better use of the short time we had. I also equated my loss with Gods will, at first blaming him and then somewhat accepting my sons death as His will, my sons life as a gift, and at some point became grateful for that gift and the time we had. God was the way in and the way out. Without Him I couldn’t have continued. Nearly 12 years since his passing and the saving grace I’ve had is the hope of our reunion in eternal life after a long (short) life we’ll all be together again. We can’t die with them, even tough part of us does, we must go on with a fervent life, do better, love more, and think of others instead of self. I still mourn in a healthy way and am mindful not to get stuck (when I can help it.) Writing poetry and thoughts like this helped (even the bad writing) . If I get in a rut, I talk to God and someone I love to get out. May God bless you and see you though?
The familiar song you used to sing along just began to play
At first a smile and a memory of you and your special way
My heart can’t take when the song is done, you are gone, and I feel all alone
Time stands still with the lump in my throat, I feel I could fall to the floor
I feel weak and my bones can’t support my body anymore, a million pounds they hold me down and no one can pick me up from the floor
I died again and it just plain sucks
I pull it together and begin to move, standing I leave my heart on the floor
I start to work and I stop because the pain I cannot endure
I find my strength and start again working without my heart
Empty chest just move my feet this is how I start
Busy my hands and listen to tunes and try to mend my wounds
Nearly every day is like this and you are missed, the sucker punch or the knife plunges in with a twist
Almost every movie someone’s kid dies and I die again
Relive the moments I last saw you lifeless knowing I will not see you again
I can’t continue to write the tears in my eyes are too thick and I’ve worked myself up to the point where I feel sick.
Love your children and hold them close for they really mean the most.
Go to sleep another day in vein Tried to drown my sorrows and all that pain
Four drinks in and I didn’t feel the same
As a matter of fact I couldn’t feel a thing
Something happens at around twelve drinks in
When I’m all alone and feel like I don’t have a friend
I turn the bottle up again thinking I should do myself in
I get angry and destroy everything around
I drank enough whisky to put an average man down
Why am I here again I say with my head low
What happened to me I do not know
I don’t understand how it’s all turned to shit
It’s everything, I just don’t get it
Everything is spinning I need to lay down
This is as good as any this spot on the ground
My head is humming buzzing in my ears
It’s the same thing again, I’ve been doing for years
My nightly prayer was to let it end
So I didn’t have to wake up like Groundhog Day and do it again
Waking in the morning angry at the world
Wife says what’s wrong with you, I say I woke up, what a pearl
I’m sick of this stuff
She was the one who had it rough
When it hurt bad enough I finally stopped
I remember praying a lot
I started going to meetings and just didn’t drink
I started listening to people I didn’t even know
Because they were sober and I had no place to go
Someone told me I should be proud of myself for being a jerk
It was the culmination of my entire life’s work
I should be happy and give myself a pat on the back
He asked if that made me angry, I wanted to give him a smack
I said yes
He said, that’s because It’s true you’re really a mess
The good news is you never have to feel this way again
All you have to do is change everything my friend
I have to admit I didn’t know what he meant then
He said what are you willing to do to get sober again
I’ll do anything, I want it to be over
Since then I’ve made many less mistakes when I started over
By doing whatever it takes, willingness to change has set me free
I had to trust somebody else so that I could see my drinking wasn’t the problem, the problem was me.
I had a living hell of a life that I created
I let go and was emancipated
God will set you free if you trust in him and do the work
Test the theory and see if it’s true begin to pray and it will happen for you, even I stopped being a jerk!
Recovered Alcoholic, Jason
A sense of emotion swallows me whole
I fall off the cliff with you as my heart is pulled from my chest
The lump in my throat is too big to swallow
My mother told me when I was a child
“You can’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, it’s just too heavy”
Quite often I understand what others don’t but it doesn’t make it better
to ignore it and deny you is to deny myself
To embrace you is another cut on my heart the open wound of my soul has room and is full of Gods love
I realize I used to isolate out of fear of feeling your pain, over elation or anxiety
It’s not only the doldrums or other extremes though negative energy seems to dominate the majority
It’s the dancing of my mind and spirit from one to the next in my ever changing environments
The rush in the air and excitement of events make me tense
I find myself overstimulated like a little baby that’s had too much activity
The joy that brings tears is my favorite
When someone feels blessed by God
overcome with joy to the point of weeping my heart is softened as to feel the joy of Angels
A babies laugh wipes everything away if for only a moment
there’s nothing present but the elation of the child
I will laugh with you
worry with you
sigh with you
cry with you
and a piece of me will die with you.
I will be there with your spirit
Help you up when you’re down
I will pick you up off the ground
Realizing we’re not alone
feel for someone to the bone
that’s how love is really shown
~ J ~
It’s your birthday again, oh, how long it has been.
I start to think of you and a happy thought across my mind runs,
So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!
Does what’s happening now really matter in the grand scheme of things or am I just being resistant?
Does it all need to happen right now, in this instant?
Will it happen faster, if I’m more persistent?
Things just get worse, when I’m insistent
I look to the sky and wonder why
I live my life one day at a time
Poetry spills on the page inking a rhyme
Don’t act out your life unless you’re a mime
For me it would be a crime
To look at you and know not who you are
The real you, seemingly very far
Let it all go, put your mask away
Rely on Gods plan for you and pray for His guidance to lead your way.
You’re one of a kind and created with a special purpose in mind, ~ J ~
Life is but a small number of breaths and then it passes from us. I was speaking to my wife the other day and we were talking about something taking 15 years to accomplish. I said; “In 15 years I’ll be 60.” Right then it hit me and I have to admit it was pure shock. I said it again, except this time I exclaimed; IN 15 YEARS I’LL BE 60!!! WHAT HAPPENED? I was just a teenager, what seemed like just the other day. At best my life is likely 1/2 past. So it is. I feel pretty good; I see a lot more gray popping out, but it doesn’t seem like that much time has passed. So it isn’t. It isn’t a lot of time, life is short and I see now the more that passes the shorter it seems. I suppose being anesthetized only squandered and slowed my perception of time. That’s not where I intended to go, excuse the rant. Here’s my thought; the seemingly hopeless situations I have passed are beyond my ability to recall. Many of the difficulties and struggles I don’t even remember. Obstacles I thought insurmountable I have overcome or have been removed for me. Things that seem to go on for days, week, months, and even years seem like they passed with hardly a thought. So where I am today is pretty relaxed. I don’t get real excited about too much “drama of life” anymore because I understand that it will pass. Everything will work out according to Gods plan whether I participate or not. As a matter of fact things might even get worse if I try to put my controlling hand in. Sure I could sit back and look at all the possible scenarios and potential outcomes. For what? I’m not going to waste time, the solutions are either apparent or they present themselves over time. I just need to continue doing the next right thing that is right in front of me.
Worry only worries
Doubt only doubts
Their only purpose is fuel for fear. I trust the master plan and it always works out the way it is supposed to the end.
The “Good Life” is the one you have! Live it up! ~ J ~
What it boils down to ultimately is most of our problems are of self. Generally something that we desire, we’re unhappy about, or cannot accept. Some of us are completely self obsessed and don’t really have time to think about anyone else. We force our will in all situations and make minimal if any contribution that does not benefit ouselves.
This post is about honest self appraisal. Look at yourself honestly and either adjust and change or maintain the status quot, that is entirely up to you. This is only a small model for self awareness of a condition of life that can place you in a position of opposition with everyone, including yourself. Conversely, it may provide affirmation of an already giving nature.
- Do I spend the majority of my time thinking about my wants and needs?
- Do I always take into consideration the needs of others before my own?
- Do I have a problem of self that I obsess over and causes me illness?
- Do I have any issues which dominate my actions, life and/or my thinking?
- Does my life take priority over all others that it is connected?
- Am I a giver or am I a taker?
I have invariably found that I have made decisions in my life based on self which later placed me in a position to be harmed. I have stepped on the toes of the people around me and they retaliated, seemingly without provocation. I believe that most of my problems arose out of self due to self-will running out of control. so most of my troubles were of my own making or exaggerations of my perception.
I lived a good part of my life like a parasite feeding off of others in nearly every relationship. It was always what I was getting, how I was treated, or my significance (ego, pride, Self)(I never really considered what others were receiving in return)even when I made time to give of myself it was on my terms, at my convenience. When I played with my children I didn’t play what they wanted to play, I played what I thought would be fun. At work I always had to be a front runner, calling the shots, always threatened by the ambition of others. At home it was the same, I had to have controls on everything (My will be done). In fact as long as I can remember, once I figured out you couldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to, and that I only had to deal with the consequences, I did whatever I wanted. My brother Scott told me once, after I came to him with concerns about friends and acceptance. He said “Who cares what anyone else thinks, this is your world and everyone else is just living in it” New Years eve one year I was around 16, Scott and I wanted to go to this party. We went upstairs and asked Mom if we could go. Mom said, “No, that’s going to be a drinking party, and besides you’re grounded for 3 months.” Scott and I returned to the basement, he was aggravated and said “I don’t give a shit, I’m going are you going or what?” I said, “we’re grounded” Then Scott unknowingly said something that would change my life. He said, “We are going to be grounded until we turn 18, we can do whatever we want, what are they going to do, ground us?” My poor Mom and Dad, there is 7 of us kids and we were all a bit mischievous. Scott and I went to the party, despite my Mothers direction and didn’t return home until around dinner time the next day. At the party, I was completely wasted long before new year. In fact the only thing I remember clearly, is someone saying “somebodies past out on the bathroom floor” to which I said, “kick em they’ll get up” only to open my eyes and be looking at the base of the toilet.
Once I stopped thinking about myself all the time most of my problems disappeared. By beginning to constantly think of others and how I might be helpful to them, others began to think about me (in a possitive light).