There are choices to make as we continue on without the ones we love. We can take our mind to a place of soul crushing pain and anguish. We can cease to be in the world of the living, residing in a morass of melancholy sorrow. These things in the short term are not at all in our control, though we try. The emotions and reasoning even long term are hardly manageable. When we repress, attempt to manage, or distract ourselves with work or anything else it it can harm us and the people that miss us “being alive”. I was fortunate enough to have someone tell me “There’s healthy mourning and unhealthy mourning”
“The only way out is through” I took the initial time to really grieve and stay in my suffering of loss. Mourning is a form of prayer, communication of my feelings to God in the form of wailing, crying, yelling and so on. After the first week I tried to dive into work and get back to “normal” but couldn’t even think straight. I guess it came down to beating myself up enough for not making better use of the short time we had. I also equated my loss with Gods will, at first blaming him and then somewhat accepting my sons death as His will, my sons life as a gift, and at some point became grateful for that gift and the time we had. God was the way in and the way out. Without Him I couldn’t have continued. Nearly 12 years since his passing and the saving grace I’ve had is the hope of our reunion in eternal life after a long (short) life we’ll all be together again. We can’t die with them, even tough part of us does, we must go on with a fervent life, do better, love more, and think of others instead of self. I still mourn in a healthy way and am mindful not to get stuck (when I can help it.) Writing poetry and thoughts like this helped (even the bad writing) . If I get in a rut, I talk to God and someone I love to get out. May God bless you and see you though?
The familiar song you used to sing along just began to play
At first a smile and a memory of you and your special way
My heart can’t take when the song is done, you are gone, and I feel all alone
Time stands still with the lump in my throat, I feel I could fall to the floor
I feel weak and my bones can’t support my body anymore, a million pounds they hold me down and no one can pick me up from the floor
I died again and it just plain sucks
I pull it together and begin to move, standing I leave my heart on the floor
I start to work and I stop because the pain I cannot endure
I find my strength and start again working without my heart
Empty chest just move my feet this is how I start
Busy my hands and listen to tunes and try to mend my wounds
Nearly every day is like this and you are missed, the sucker punch or the knife plunges in with a twist
Almost every movie someone’s kid dies and I die again
Relive the moments I last saw you lifeless knowing I will not see you again
I can’t continue to write the tears in my eyes are too thick and I’ve worked myself up to the point where I feel sick.
Love your children and hold them close for they really mean the most.
Time stamps a seal on all the things we do and feel somethings seem unreal
no matter how nice Nothing in life occurs twice Not for any price
All that we’ve been we will never be again
rules of time we cannot bend
Once we learn things are not the same It’s futile to live a life full of blame or shame
Forgive and let live it’s time for a change Take some time and rearrange
Your perspective will be clear if you let go of fear
Life is a vapor in the mist You can’t hold on to your first kiss Only sit back and reminisce
It’s how we move ahead that shows our worth if we stay behind we’re eventually lowered beneath the earth
Jump and shout or be quiet and still Whatever you do get your fill
We only have one life make it a thrill!
It’s your birthday again, oh, how long it has been.
I start to think of you and a happy thought across my mind runs,
So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!
Does what’s happening now really matter in the grand scheme of things or am I just being resistant?
Does it all need to happen right now, in this instant?
Will it happen faster, if I’m more persistent?
Things just get worse, when I’m insistent
I look to the sky and wonder why
I live my life one day at a time
Poetry spills on the page inking a rhyme
Don’t act out your life unless you’re a mime
For me it would be a crime
To look at you and know not who you are
The real you, seemingly very far
Let it all go, put your mask away
Rely on Gods plan for you and pray for His guidance to lead your way.
You’re one of a kind and created with a special purpose in mind, ~ J ~