Category Archives: Loss of a child

My journey through Loss and mourning.


There are choices to make as we continue on without the ones we love. We can take our mind to a place of soul crushing pain and anguish. We can cease to be in the world of the living, residing in a morass of melancholy sorrow. These things in the short term are not at all in our control, though we try. The emotions and reasoning even long term are hardly manageable. When we repress, attempt to manage, or distract ourselves with work or anything else it it can harm us and the people that miss us “being alive”. I was fortunate enough to have someone tell me “There’s healthy mourning and unhealthy mourning”
“The only way out is through” I took the initial time to really grieve and stay in my suffering of loss. Mourning is a form of prayer, communication of my feelings to God in the form of wailing, crying, yelling and so on. After the first week I tried to dive into work and get back to “normal” but couldn’t even think straight. I guess it came down to beating myself up enough for not making better use of the short time we had. I also equated my loss with Gods will, at first blaming him and then somewhat accepting my sons death as His will, my sons life as a gift, and at some point became grateful for that gift and the time we had. God was the way in and the way out. Without Him I couldn’t have continued. Nearly 12 years since his passing and the saving grace I’ve had is the hope of our reunion in eternal life after a long (short) life we’ll all be together again. We can’t die with them, even tough part of us does, we must go on with a fervent life, do better, love more, and think of others instead of self. I still mourn in a healthy way and am mindful not to get stuck (when I can help it.) Writing poetry and thoughts like this helped (even the bad writing) . If I get in a rut, I talk to God and someone I love to get out. May God bless you and see you though?

Death Comes Calling

I just died again, it’s the second time today. 

The familiar song you used to sing along just began to play 

At first a smile and a memory of you and your special way

My heart can’t take when the song is done, you are gone, and I feel all alone

Time stands still with the lump in my throat, I feel I could fall to the floor

I feel weak and my bones can’t support my body anymore, a million pounds they hold me down and no one can pick me up from the floor

I died again and it just plain sucks 

I pull it together and begin to move, standing I leave my heart on the floor

I start to work and I stop because the pain I cannot endure

I find my strength and start again working without my heart

Empty chest just move my feet this is how I start

Busy my hands and listen to tunes and try to mend my wounds

Nearly every day is like this and you are missed, the sucker punch or the knife plunges in with a twist

Almost every movie someone’s kid dies and I die again

Relive the moments I last saw you lifeless knowing I will not see you again

I can’t continue to write the tears in my eyes are too thick and I’ve worked myself up to the point where I feel sick. 

Love your children and hold them close for they really mean the most. 

The Clock is Ticking

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From Cycle to Spiral
Time stamps a seal on all the things we do and feel somethings seem unreal
no matter how nice Nothing in life occurs twice Not for any price
All that we’ve been we will never be again
rules of time we cannot bend
Once we learn things are not the same It’s futile to live a life full of blame or shame
Forgive and let live it’s time for a change Take some time and rearrange
Your perspective will be clear if you let go of fear
Life is a vapor in the mist You can’t hold on to your first kiss Only sit back and reminisce
It’s how we move ahead that shows our worth if we stay behind we’re eventually lowered beneath the earth
Jump and shout or be quiet and still Whatever you do get your fill
We only have one life make it a thrill!
Jason

Happy Birthday Jordan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s your birthday again, oh, how long it has been.

I start to think of you and a happy thought across my mind runs,

Shortly after fatigue comes
My arms go weak
And my body goes numb
My heart hollowed and I’m overcome
My memories of you don’t bring me tears
It’s separation from you and the fading memories I fear
I remember your sarcasm and witticism I struggle to remember your laugh and your many mannerisms
I’m scared and afraid that it all might fade
This morning I started out, it was like dragging an anchor, weight on my whole body it was hard to move
Please pray for me son to The Lord our God?
Some days are so very hard
I keep going it’s just something I do
I want you to know I’m missing you.
I’m giving love like I never have before,
I’m sad because I can’t see you anymore
I hope you’re proud of me now, it was because of you, I wanted to learn how
I’ll do as much good as I can and be the man and Dad you new I could be to the end
pray for my soul so I can see you again and thank you for believing in me Jordan

The Only Way Out is Through

So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!

Grand Scheme of Things

Does what’s happening now really matter in the grand scheme of things or am I just being resistant?

Does it all need to happen right now, in this instant?

Will it happen faster, if I’m more persistent?

Things just get worse, when I’m insistent

I look to the sky and wonder why

I live my life one day at a time

Poetry spills on the page inking a rhyme

Don’t act out your life unless you’re a mime

For me it would be a crime

To look at you and know not who you are

The real you, seemingly very far

Let it all go, put your mask away

Rely on Gods plan for you and pray for His guidance to lead your way.

Jason Byers

You’re one of a kind and created with a special purpose in mind, ~ J ~

Smoke and Dreams

It often seems like smoke and dreams,

I’ve been led to the end of my schemes.

I wonder what it would be like not to be me.

If only for an hour, or just one minute, could I be free, could I forget?

If I did I’d likely have regret.

Is this my reality, is this only smoke and dreams, or is everything just as it seems.

I’m sure I will get the answers when it’s my turn to die, I don’t need to understand, or go crazy asking why?

I have to accept things just the way they are, and say good-bye for now.

We will meet again someday somewhere somehow.

My heart is broken and my eyes hold my tears in,

I will always love you my eternal friend throughout and beyond my lifes end.

In memory of my son Jordan Timothy Byers 3–05–91 to 6–23–05

By Jason Byers sober since 6–23–05

Child of Light

Bitter morass of darkness like unending night

Moonbeams obscured by the midnight flight of a raven

I watch silently in horror of the coming day

The simple comfort of loneliness surrounds me with its sweet melancholy touch

I look into the window of my mind, and the room is empty

Hope has ended

I long for the resurrection of my soul, that I may be whole once more

The dawn comes soon yet I find myself frightened

Deaths touch is not welcomed

I am warmed by the breath of the woman who loves me

The children smile that I might live

The new day is here

I move forward, like walking in a snowdrifts cold

I cannot stop, for I would die

I walk for the warmth of love

To give the strength of giants from the frail weakness of a wilted flower

Child of light coming out of darkness

Living in a world with out end

The new day must begin

Live

And spread goodness

Jason Byers

My Story in Loss &and My Restoration

October 12 2009

I take that day and Jordans’ birthday off from work every year. It’s been 4 years for us it doesn’t seem to get any easier. For about three weeks before and three weeks after, I’d have anxiety, depression, and anger. My surviving children might as well be bubble wrapped. I’m always so protective because I’m so afraid of what could happen. I’ve had different horrific dreams where tragic things happened to my other children and I’ve held their lifeless bodies in my hands, waking in terror. I would check on them in their beds and thank God they were alright. After a rain one day, I spun our SUV around completely doing about 60 on a four lane highway with cars all around, nearly missing them and went off the road backward. I said “God please no! I?” I thought it was going to be really bad, but “Thank you God” we were completely unharmed.
I started to have a nervous breakdown, and was detaching from reality in the first year. I was involved in recovery for my drinking problem about 4 months prior to my boys’ death. He was the only one that really believed it would be different this time. One week short of 4 months sober I drank again. Essentially having a tantrum with God for not giving me my life back. I said to Him “I’m miserable! I might as well be a drunk! I’m going to be a drunk and there’s nothing you can do about it!” A couple bad weeks later my children came to visit fathers day weekend. I told Jordan to go throw away this messy gel toy he just broke before he got it on his clothes. I had forgotten I had the can slap full of beer bottles. When I remembered I said “That’s the community can as he opened it (like they weren’t my bottles). He looked at me as if to say its OK dad. I felt bad but was at a point where I couldn’t help it. That was the last day I saw him alive. I’m telling you part of my story, how it affected me, and some of the ways I coped or didn’t. I have no Idea of your loss or how you’re affected by the circumstances of your life. I can’t imagine or sort my own feelings out at times. I wouldn’t even guess at yours, but if you can use any part of my experience to help, well that’s my hope. While I was drinking again my life sucked again, I’m basically a lunatic while actively drinking. The point is alcohol didn’t help me anymore, it didn’t make me feel good, and it just made me feel more intense and worse. I haven’t drank since I heard the news of his death. I was trying AA and the first 3 steps 1. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. 3 Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. I went through a lot of difficult times when I was growing up and months before my son died while I was trying to do this AA stuff I prayed- “God, if any of my children had to suffer like I have in their lifetime that He take them while they were their most innocent.” Days before my son’s death I was drinking some beers by myself, sitting at this little table in my shoe box of an apartment. This is while I was separated and half drunk, with some half assed wanna be spirituality. I was kind of talking to God and writing on paper how “I appreciated the ultimate sacrifice of Christ on the cross and how I too would make the same sacrifice for the greater good of mankind, because I felt that everyone was good at heart” (Drunk) anyway I figure I was talking to God and I was out of line that was Gods son that Wednesday 6/23/2005 my son Jordan died answering my foolish words and prayer. My son Jordan had came to visit me months ago and he was having problems fitting in and feeling different. He hung out with the goth kids, was also very unique. I told him the reason he didn’t fit in was because he had a light in his heart. I told him he should find God. Jordan started going to church and completely changed. He died while he was his most innocent (Like my prayer). After his passing I was given his Bible it was marked at the book of Job. All of Jobs’ kids died on the same day. This was the first full book I read out of The Bible at this point I have no religion or church, but I can’t go on. Nothing seemed real anymore, it was like I was half conscious. I was at work trying to figure out what to do and thought about AA and that third step about turning my will and life over to the care of God. Suddenly, I thought Gods’ will for me so far was for me to be divorced from my first wife and estranged from my children. Then separated from my second wife and to be estranged from those children and now his will is for my son to die. Thinking about the book of Job, I thought what if his will for me is for all of my kids to die! At that moment I felt like I was crushed and my core emptied out leaving me with a hollow feeling. There was nothing left. I couldn’t anymore, I just couldn’t. I said aloud “If that’s you’re will for me so be it, you can have everything my wife my kids, down to my very life, it is already yours, just please help me?” I haven’t wanted to drink since. As far as coping I’ve been put in a position where I’ve shared that experience with people and threw telling it and feeling it has helped a little. I try to help other people; it helps me not to think about myself especially during those 2 very hard times of the year. I’ve tried to get closer to God, I joined a church. Three and a half years later around Jordan’s’ birthday I got really screwed up (mental/emotional) and the priest gave me the anointing of the sick something changed, I feel different it’s still very hard. I have more clarity and grieve in a healthier way I can’t really explain it. Much like all of the feelings that go with all this there’re no words. At any rate I went to RCIA (school for adults to inquire and/or become Catholic). I wasn’t feeling it but over time I had an open mind and it started to feel right so I went with it. I couldn’t get through a day by myself. I tried grief counseling at Hospice at 1 year, I couldn’t do it anything helped. I will tell you God helped me and has been greater than I ever imagined He keeps me fully alive for the rest of my children and my wife. Try to ask for help if you can’t do it anymore or you’re having trouble. This works for me when I have bad days. Some days I couldn’t get past my grief. It has been about 6 months since I took the anointing and a day like that hasn’t happened. Love the ones that are still here and love the one that’s with God. Love is infinite and surpasses all. I pray on the day of my Son’s death to grieve in a healthy way and not to drift into morbid self pity. I light an all day candle in the morning asks God to tell my boy I love him. I say I love you Jordan or Son whenever I think of him. I say I miss you Boy and think of the familiar pat I used to give him or little things he’d say or do then smile with some big tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I try to thank God for the very special time I had with him here, and ask him to take good care of him for me and that we one day may be reunited. My heart is with you.
I did cuss at God when my boy died, I didn’t understand, I still don’t understand. I understand that I don’t need to understand, I need to accept and come to peace knowing he is home he just beat me there. With love Jason

This corresponds directly with my blog “Destitute”
Thank you for reading this is from years ago, I found it and thought I’d share. I know it’s heavy; I wanted to provide perspective of my source of inspiration