I will speak from my experience, material I have read and principles I continually work. Some of what I say may have a familiar ring if you are in recovery, some you likely have not heard.
I’ll start with a quote and this is a fundamental concept for change.
“It is through self forgetting that we no peace.”
If you can wrap your head around this concept and apply it to your life you will be content.
What it boils down to ultimately is most of our problems are of self. Generally something that we desire, we’re unhappy about, or cannot accept. Some of us are completely self obsessed and don’t really have time to think about anyone else. We force our will in all situations and make minimal if any contribution that does not benefit ouselves.
This is my world and everyone else is just living in it!”
“Everything ain’t about you! Because it’s all about me!”
“I’m the center of the universe (my universe)”
This post is about honest self appraisal. Look at yourself honestly and either adjust and change or maintain the status quot, that is entirely up to you. This is only a small model for self awareness of a condition of life that can place you in a position of opposition with everyone, including yourself. Conversely, it may provide affirmation of an already giving nature.
I have some basic questions which may or may not help you determine if you want to become more altruistic (freely giving of yourself without expectation of return)
- Do I spend the majority of my time thinking about my wants and needs?
- Do I always take into consideration the needs of others before my own?
- Do I have a problem of self that I obsess over and causes me illness?
- Do I have any issues which dominate my actions, life and/or my thinking?
- Does my life take priority over all others that it is connected?
- Am I a giver or am I a taker?
If I’m always thinking of myself there’s no time for anyone else.
If I continually put myself first others will want me to be last, wait in line, or take turns
If I’m always concerned about myself nobody else needs to be.
I have invariably found that I have made decisions in my life based on self which later placed me in a position to be harmed. I have stepped on the toes of the people around me and they retaliated, seemingly without provocation. I believe that most of my problems arose out of self due to self-will running out of control. so most of my troubles were of my own making or exaggerations of my perception.
I lived a good part of my life like a parasite feeding off of others in nearly every relationship. It was always what I was getting, how I was treated, or my significance (ego, pride, Self)(I never really considered what others were receiving in return)even when I made time to give of myself it was on my terms, at my convenience. When I played with my children I didn’t play what they wanted to play, I played what I thought would be fun. At work I always had to be a front runner, calling the shots, always threatened by the ambition of others. At home it was the same, I had to have controls on everything (My will be done). In fact as long as I can remember, once I figured out you couldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to, and that I only had to deal with the consequences, I did whatever I wanted. My brother Scott told me once, after I came to him with concerns about friends and acceptance. He said “Who cares what anyone else thinks, this is your world and everyone else is just living in it” New Years eve one year I was around 16, Scott and I wanted to go to this party. We went upstairs and asked Mom if we could go. Mom said, “No, that’s going to be a drinking party, and besides you’re grounded for 3 months.” Scott and I returned to the basement, he was aggravated and said “I don’t give a shit, I’m going are you going or what?” I said, “we’re grounded” Then Scott unknowingly said something that would change my life. He said, “We are going to be grounded until we turn 18, we can do whatever we want, what are they going to do, ground us?” My poor Mom and Dad, there is 7 of us kids and we were all a bit mischievous. Scott and I went to the party, despite my Mothers direction and didn’t return home until around dinner time the next day. At the party, I was completely wasted long before new year. In fact the only thing I remember clearly, is someone saying “somebodies past out on the bathroom floor” to which I said, “kick em they’ll get up” only to open my eyes and be looking at the base of the toilet.
Once I stopped thinking about myself all the time most of my problems disappeared. By beginning to constantly think of others and how I might be helpful to them, others began to think about me (in a possitive light).
Be well, and enjoy life, put the time in with the people you love, you never know when the last opportunity will be to show them you care, Jason
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