There are choices to make as we continue on without the ones we love. We can take our mind to a place of soul crushing pain and anguish. We can cease to be in the world of the living, residing in a morass of melancholy sorrow. These things in the short term are not at all in our control, though we try. The emotions and reasoning even long term are hardly manageable. When we repress, attempt to manage, or distract ourselves with work or anything else it it can harm us and the people that miss us “being alive”. I was fortunate enough to have someone tell me “There’s healthy mourning and unhealthy mourning”
“The only way out is through” I took the initial time to really grieve and stay in my suffering of loss. Mourning is a form of prayer, communication of my feelings to God in the form of wailing, crying, yelling and so on. After the first week I tried to dive into work and get back to “normal” but couldn’t even think straight. I guess it came down to beating myself up enough for not making better use of the short time we had. I also equated my loss with Gods will, at first blaming him and then somewhat accepting my sons death as His will, my sons life as a gift, and at some point became grateful for that gift and the time we had. God was the way in and the way out. Without Him I couldn’t have continued. Nearly 12 years since his passing and the saving grace I’ve had is the hope of our reunion in eternal life after a long (short) life we’ll all be together again. We can’t die with them, even tough part of us does, we must go on with a fervent life, do better, love more, and think of others instead of self. I still mourn in a healthy way and am mindful not to get stuck (when I can help it.) Writing poetry and thoughts like this helped (even the bad writing) . If I get in a rut, I talk to God and someone I love to get out. May God bless you and see you though?
Often times we strive for achievement, goals, aspirations, or dreams.
What happens in us when we don’t arrive where we have placed our aspirations?
My life has had a series of high hopes, dreams, and aspirations even some delusion.
I have a tendency to obsess and completely immerse myself in whatever my current focus is.
Most things I’ve set out to accomplish in my life have been realistic. After passing through the delusion and fantasy of my teenage years and my early 20’s. The reality of having two children and a wife by the age of twenty was helpful.
Still wanting to party like a rockstar. I had new things in my life, like “responsibility” “commitment” and “obligation”, accompanied by the low income struggle to pay the bills, keep babies fed and in diapers.
Ufortunatly, I was better at partying. With the lifestyle I lived, trying to be a father and a husband, I was still very driven and wanted to succeed on all fronts. I started my own business at twenty and had limited success for a time but didn’t understand the tourist based economy we lived in. When the tourist go home the work slows and even stops for some as was my case.
With no work coming in, it was necessary for me to get a regular job with a regular income. This meant the end, or at least postponement of my first dream of being a successful contractor.
I adapted, and started a new method, wherein I sought “on the job training” to learn and hone a variety of skilled crafts and trades of my choosing.
I have always been good at working with my hands and learned things very quickly.
I had a tremendous ego combined with a low self-esteem, and alpha-male personality. (Leo)
I did not play well with others and didn’t take shit from anybody.
This of course made me a difficult employee, combined with partying, aggressive behavior, and mental instability, I changed jobs frequently.
I had charm and charisma which would get me in the door.
I would often lose a job and con my way into a new job the very same day.
I eventually aquired a very wide skill set combined with a great work ethic which was taylored for all the trades associated with water, fire , wind, damage, and mold mitigation and restoration (insurance work)
In this my value in the field seemed to make a reasonable trade off for the difficulty of handling me as an employee because I was able to maintain employment despite my best efforts to lose a job.
My dominant personality and abilities made me a driven foreman. Though I wasn’t very well liked by my crews, I did have their respect because we’d get the job done fast and well.
In this line of work we were always responding to disasters all hours of the day and night. Constantly showing up to save the day and give people their lives and homes back. We’d save property, photo albums, keepsakes, and family airelooms. This gave me a heroic feeling and a sense of accomplishment that I love to this day.
Every job has been a little different and I have produced many solutions and adapted to many different circumstances.
My life has been much the same. Seemingly a series of disasters. Many of which were self created.
I used to have the worst luck and “Murphy’s law” was my guide. I would literally roll with the punches every day.
I would be surprised if something didn’t go horribly wrong in my day. Regardless of the problem, I would move directly to the solution “how do I fix this?” And if I couldn’t see the solution it was the two word solution for everything “Forget it” but the other F word.
To the point, I have aspired and strived for many things in my life and have had limited success. Some of my greatest success has been accepting where I have failed or fallen short.
The key I have found to my continued happiness and peace is by continuing to adapt. In doing so I have become adept in life, I keep going, I get up and never stay on the ground.
I have found there doesn’t have to be defeat.
The victory and achievement is realizing you’ve done what you were capable of doing and that’s enough.
Our measure is not by others or by self.
It is by God alone. It is not our plan but His that matters and in every experience is the opportunity for enlightenment.
Keep going, Jason
Time stamps a seal on all the things we do and feel somethings seem unreal
no matter how nice Nothing in life occurs twice Not for any price
All that we’ve been we will never be again
rules of time we cannot bend
Once we learn things are not the same It’s futile to live a life full of blame or shame
Forgive and let live it’s time for a change Take some time and rearrange
Your perspective will be clear if you let go of fear
Life is a vapor in the mist You can’t hold on to your first kiss Only sit back and reminisce
It’s how we move ahead that shows our worth if we stay behind we’re eventually lowered beneath the earth
Jump and shout or be quiet and still Whatever you do get your fill
We only have one life make it a thrill!
This is a place that is totally me,
I have set myself completely free,
The blog posts within tell where I’ve been,
Deep feelings flow on a page,
Some veiled, cryptic, or full of rage,
Positive push and good tidings for you,
Healing remedies of thoughts I have used,
Confused emotions that I’ve lived through,
In this space I’m all over the place,
You never know what you might find
The ramblings of my mood a reflection of my mind,
All authentic completely exposed to you,
In this place I can be true,
I put myself out there to help others like me,
To know they’re not alone and that they can be free,
If what you read is not appealing, read a different post you might find it healing
Some of what I write is sad,
I may seem a little mad,
Most of the time I’m very glad,
Take what you can and leave the rest behind what I write won’t cost you a dime
I hope to never waste your time,
Be blessed, that’s my rhyme,
Today’s my birthday, my 46th birthday to be exact. I never thought I’d survive past 30, I was a wild one.
Oh, what my eyes have seen and my heart has felt.
The change of my thinking as time’s gone forward is profound. I remember the revelations I seamed to have almost annually, about how screwed up my thinking was the year before and the changes I needed to make to better myself. As years poured forward even the annual assessment was questionable, because I’d put yet another year of chaos and bad choices into it. I know today that many of those years and bad choices were due to alcohol & pot. My thinking wasn’t right and I didn’t realize that’s what caused it. The alcohol chemically imbalanced me and the weed made me lethargic (I could care less). I do not miss them, they stole quite a bit of time from me. This year my mind is clear. 10 years I’ve lived sober (really lived). I think of the 22 years of mental fog and misunderstanding I had in that time and don’t regret it. I’ve learned so much, I do wish that I hadn’t negatively impacted the lives of the people I love through divorce, absence, and the insanity of drinking. I understand everything happens for a reason and I was part of the seasoning of who they all are, as much as it is part of who I am. There’s a little salt in the best sweets, a few steps doesn’t account for the journey and many of us stumble. The secret is keep going and pay attention to where you’re heading. Chances are you’ll get there just fine.
Indulgence of the day or methodical existence?
Should I let my my mind run wild and free or tame my thoughts like a house pet, which wouldn’t be me?
I allow my mind to wander when I roam, I will not settle for boredom when I’m alone.
Excitement, daring, and adventure I crave!
I love it! I live it! If only fired in my imaginations maze.
I’m satisfied, I feel more alive.
Like mixing a brew, some sort of concoction, a little action, a little, mystery, and a lot of disfunction.
The twisted word play in my head, thinking of what others have said.
I act out and you hear the gasp, the tame ones freak out when I’m having a blast.
I embrace my character, I’m genuine every day.
I couldn’t live like a phony, there’s just no way!
Own who you are and love yourself, never sacrifice who you are for anyone else.
So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!