Category Archives: victory

Adapt to Be Adept

                

     Often times we strive for achievement, goals, aspirations, or  dreams. 

       What happens in us when we don’t  arrive where we have placed our aspirations?

      My life has had a series of high hopes, dreams, and aspirations even some delusion.

     I have a tendency to obsess  and completely immerse myself in whatever my current focus is.

      Most things I’ve set out to accomplish in my life have been realistic. After passing through the delusion and fantasy of my teenage years and my early 20’s. The reality of having two children and a wife by the age of twenty was helpful.

Still wanting to party like a rockstar. I had new things in my life, like “responsibility” “commitment” and “obligation”, accompanied by the low income struggle to pay the bills, keep babies fed and in diapers.

Ufortunatly, I was better at partying. With the lifestyle I lived, trying to be a father and a husband, I was still very driven and wanted to succeed on all fronts. I started my own business at twenty and had limited success for a time but didn’t understand the tourist based economy we lived in. When the tourist go home the work slows and even stops for some as was my case.

With no work coming in, it was necessary for me to get a regular job with a regular income. This meant the end, or at least postponement of my first dream of being a successful contractor.

I adapted, and started a new method, wherein I sought “on the job training” to learn and hone a variety of skilled crafts and trades of my choosing. 

I have always been good at working with my hands and learned things very quickly.

I had a tremendous ego combined with a low self-esteem, and alpha-male personality. (Leo)

I did not play well with others and didn’t take shit from anybody. 

This of course made me a difficult employee, combined with partying, aggressive behavior, and mental instability, I changed jobs frequently.

I had charm and charisma which would get me in the door. 

I would often lose a job and con my way into a new job the very same day. 

I eventually aquired a very wide skill set combined with a great work ethic which was taylored for all the trades associated with water, fire , wind, damage, and mold mitigation and restoration (insurance work)

In this my value in the field seemed to make a reasonable trade off for the difficulty of handling me as an employee because I was able to maintain employment despite my best efforts to lose a job.

My dominant personality and abilities made me a driven foreman. Though I wasn’t very well liked by my crews, I did have their respect because we’d get the job done fast and well.

In this line of work we were always responding to disasters all hours of the day and night. Constantly showing up to save the day and give people their lives and homes back.  We’d save property, photo albums, keepsakes, and family airelooms. This gave me a heroic feeling and a sense of accomplishment that I love to this day. 

Every job has been a little different  and I have produced many solutions and adapted to many different circumstances. 

My life has been much the same. Seemingly a series of disasters. Many of which were self created.

I used to have the worst luck and “Murphy’s law” was my guide. I would literally roll with the punches every day. 

I would be surprised if something didn’t go horribly wrong in my day. Regardless of  the problem, I would move directly to the solution “how do I fix this?” And if I couldn’t see the solution it was the two word solution for everything “Forget it” but the other F word.

To the point, I have aspired and strived for many things in my life and have had limited success. Some of my greatest success has been accepting where I have failed or fallen short. 

The key I have found to my continued happiness and peace is by continuing to adapt. In doing so I have become adept in life, I keep going, I get up and never stay on the ground.

 I have found there doesn’t have to be defeat.

 The victory and achievement is realizing you’ve done what you were capable of doing and that’s enough.

Our measure is not by others or by self.

 It is by God alone. It is not our plan but His that matters and in every experience is the opportunity for enlightenment.

Keep going, Jason

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Groundhog Day 

Go to sleep another day in vein Tried to drown my sorrows and all that pain

Four drinks in and I didn’t feel the same 

As a matter of fact I couldn’t feel a thing

Something happens at around twelve drinks in

When I’m all alone and feel like I don’t have a friend 

I turn the bottle up again thinking I should do myself in

I get angry and destroy everything around

I drank enough whisky to put an average man down

Why am I here again I say with my head low 

What happened to me I do not know

I don’t understand how it’s all turned to shit

It’s everything, I just don’t get it

Everything is spinning I need to lay down 

This is as good as any this spot on the ground

My head is humming buzzing in my ears

It’s the same thing again, I’ve been doing for years

My nightly prayer was to let it end

So I didn’t have to wake up like Groundhog Day and do it again

Waking in the morning angry at the world

Wife says what’s wrong with you, I say I woke up, what a pearl

I’m sick of this stuff 

She was the one who had it rough

When it hurt bad enough I finally stopped 

I remember praying a lot

I started going to meetings and just didn’t drink 

I started listening to people I didn’t even know 

Because they were sober and I had no place to go

Someone told me I should be proud of myself for being a jerk

It was the culmination of my entire life’s work 

I should be happy and give myself a pat on the back 

He asked if that made me angry, I wanted to give him a smack 

I said yes

He said, that’s because It’s true you’re really a mess

The good news is you never have to feel this way again

All you have to do is change everything my friend

I have to admit I didn’t know what he meant then

He said what are you willing to do to get sober again

I’ll do anything, I want it to be over

Since then I’ve made many less mistakes when I started over

By doing whatever it takes, willingness to change has set me free

I had to trust somebody else so that I could see my drinking wasn’t the problem, the problem was me.

I had a living hell of a life that I created 

I let go and was emancipated 

God will set you free if you trust in him and do the work

Test the theory and see if it’s true begin to pray and it will happen for you, even I stopped being a jerk!
Recovered Alcoholic, Jason

Word Therapy

This is a place that is totally me,
I have set myself completely free,
The blog posts within tell where I’ve been,
Deep feelings flow on a page,
Some veiled, cryptic, or full of rage,
Positive push and good tidings for you,
Healing remedies of thoughts I have used,
Confused emotions that I’ve lived through,
In this space I’m all over the place,
You never know what you might find
The ramblings of my mood a reflection of my mind,
All authentic completely exposed to you,
In this place I can be true,
I put myself out there to help others like me,
To know they’re not alone and that they can be free,
If what you read is not appealing, read a different post you might find it healing
Some of what I write is sad,
I may seem a little mad,
Most of the time I’m very glad,
Take what you can and leave the rest behind what I write won’t cost you a dime
I hope to never waste your time,
Be blessed, that’s my rhyme,
Jason

Salt In The Cake

Today’s my birthday, my 46th birthday to be exact. I never thought I’d survive past 30, I was a wild one. 

Oh, what my eyes have seen and my heart has felt. 

The change of my thinking as time’s gone forward is profound. I remember the revelations I seamed to have almost annually, about how screwed up my thinking was the year before and the changes I needed to make to better myself. As years poured forward even the annual assessment was questionable, because I’d put yet another year of chaos and bad choices into it. I know today that many of those years and bad choices were due to alcohol & pot. My thinking wasn’t right and I didn’t realize that’s what caused it. The alcohol chemically imbalanced me and the weed made me lethargic (I could care less). I do not miss them, they stole quite a bit of time from me. This year my mind is clear. 10 years I’ve lived sober (really lived). I think of the 22 years of mental fog and misunderstanding I had in that time and don’t regret it. I’ve learned so much, I do wish that I hadn’t negatively impacted the lives of the people I love through divorce, absence, and the insanity of drinking. I understand everything happens for a reason and I was part of the seasoning of who they all are, as much as it is part of who I am. There’s a little salt in the best sweets, a few steps doesn’t account for the journey and many of us stumble. The secret is keep going and pay attention to where you’re heading. Chances are you’ll get there just fine. 

Living Free

Indulgence of the day or methodical existence?

Should I let my my mind run wild and free or tame my thoughts like a house pet, which wouldn’t be me?
I allow my mind to wander when I roam, I will not settle for boredom when I’m alone.
Excitement, daring, and adventure I crave! 
I love it! I live it! If only fired in my imaginations maze. 

I’m satisfied, I feel more alive.

Like mixing a brew, some sort of concoction, a little action, a little, mystery, and a lot of disfunction. 
The twisted word play in my head, thinking of what others have said. 
I act out and you hear the gasp, the tame ones freak out when I’m having a blast.
I embrace my character, I’m genuine every day. 
I couldn’t live like a phony, there’s just no way!

Own who you are and love yourself, never sacrifice who you are for anyone else.

Jason

The Only Way Out is Through

So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!

The Challenge

This title popped into my head this morning after thinking about the first two days of my new year. Yesterday we had no hot water until I replaced the heating elements in the water heater. Today people are installing a new roof on my house. My first thought was “I hope this is not the theme for the new year, everyday something new!” I laughed it off while being slightly unsettled. As I continued, there it was “The Challenge!” Life is a challenge! Nearly everyday, I believe there’s at least one thing if not multiple things that challenge all of us. Many people live with challenges. A while back I was heading into Sunday Holy Mass. My family and I were walking passed a gentleman who was faced with an extreme every second challenge. He has been without the use of his legs for a long time and is confined to a wheelchair. Before I continue allow me to clarify my position, it is of appreciation, respect and admiration not pity. I witnessed him struggle as he went through “getting out of his car”. I write it like that because it was quite a process. I could see clearly he was involved in a struggle, so I asked him if he minded if I helped. He said, “thank you, I’d appreciate it”. I sent my family ahead and helped him make the transition from his car to the wheelchair. The seat was covered with duct tape (he said it made it easier to slide) He had wrestled his wheel chair out of the passenger side of the car as he sat twisted in the front seat. (This is what grabbed my attention in the first place). He instructed me on how to assemble the parts as he handed them out to me and told me to lock the wheels. He then took a board he used to make a bridge/slide enabling him to transition from the car to the chair. He slid across struggling to keep his pants on as he went, I stood in the opening bracing his chair as I shielded his dignity from any onlookers. Once aboard his chair he pulled his pants back up and tossed the board in the car. I said to him, I wasn’t sure if he wanted my help or not, because he always seemed so self-sufficient. He responded “it used to be easier but now I have arthritis and don’t have the strength I used to. “The Challenge” mine thus far has not been so difficult comparatively. This is a true story., I have great respect for this man he drove himself their using hand controls in his car. God only knows what he endured already that morning (things we take for granted) all to attend Mass. Today I meet it head on, I get to play auto mechanic today, changing an alternator. I thank God that I have all the necessary abilities for the challenges I face.
Enjoy the challenge, bring all you have and conquer your day, ~ J ~