Category Archives: Afraid

Sensitive, Life of an Empath

A sense of emotion swallows me whole

I fall off the cliff with you as my heart is pulled from my chest
The lump in my throat is too big to swallow 
My mother told me when I was a child 

“You can’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, it’s just too heavy”

Quite often I understand what others don’t but it doesn’t make it better

to ignore it and deny you is to deny myself

To embrace you is another cut on my heart the open wound of my soul has room and is full of Gods love

I realize I used to isolate out of fear of feeling your pain, over elation or anxiety 

It’s not only the doldrums or other extremes though negative energy seems to dominate the majority 
It’s the dancing of my mind and spirit from one to the next in my ever changing environments

The rush in the air and excitement of events make me tense

I find myself overstimulated like a little baby that’s had too much activity
The joy that brings tears is my favorite 
When someone feels blessed by God 
overcome with joy to the point of weeping my heart is softened as to feel the joy of Angels
A babies laugh wipes everything away if for only a moment 
there’s nothing present but the elation of the child

I will laugh with you

worry with you

sigh with you 

cry with you 

and a piece of me will die with you. 

I will be there with your spirit
Help you up when you’re down
I will pick you up off the ground

Realizing we’re not alone 

feel for someone to the bone 

that’s how love is really shown

                                               ~ J ~

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Happy Birthday Jordan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s your birthday again, oh, how long it has been.

I start to think of you and a happy thought across my mind runs,

Shortly after fatigue comes
My arms go weak
And my body goes numb
My heart hollowed and I’m overcome
My memories of you don’t bring me tears
It’s separation from you and the fading memories I fear
I remember your sarcasm and witticism I struggle to remember your laugh and your many mannerisms
I’m scared and afraid that it all might fade
This morning I started out, it was like dragging an anchor, weight on my whole body it was hard to move
Please pray for me son to The Lord our God?
Some days are so very hard
I keep going it’s just something I do
I want you to know I’m missing you.
I’m giving love like I never have before,
I’m sad because I can’t see you anymore
I hope you’re proud of me now, it was because of you, I wanted to learn how
I’ll do as much good as I can and be the man and Dad you new I could be to the end
pray for my soul so I can see you again and thank you for believing in me Jordan

Grand Scheme of Things

Does what’s happening now really matter in the grand scheme of things or am I just being resistant?

Does it all need to happen right now, in this instant?

Will it happen faster, if I’m more persistent?

Things just get worse, when I’m insistent

I look to the sky and wonder why

I live my life one day at a time

Poetry spills on the page inking a rhyme

Don’t act out your life unless you’re a mime

For me it would be a crime

To look at you and know not who you are

The real you, seemingly very far

Let it all go, put your mask away

Rely on Gods plan for you and pray for His guidance to lead your way.

Jason Byers

You’re one of a kind and created with a special purpose in mind, ~ J ~

Can’t Isn’t an Option

Some of the most valuable things I’ve learned in my life are these quotes;

“Can’t isn’t an option when you have to!”

I learned this during intense training, it was drilled in over and over again at moments I was already well past my limits physically and mentally.

Another pearl of wisdom was this quote which goes hand in hand with the other one:

“Keep moving!!! You slow down, you stop, and you die!”

The quote that probably drives me to blog and reach out to others in my day to day life is this:

“No one gets left behind!”

These fundamentals can bring you beyond your limitations; they’ve brought me through more situations in my life than I have time to talk about. I will say; What wouldn’t you be willing to do to survive, not live well or happy, just survive? When your situation means do or die, I suggest do.

Survival points;

I grew up around the tip of Lake Michigan. This is one of the things that made it easy for me to embrace these concepts because they were already part of my life. It gets cold; I’m talking 20 degrees below zero cold with a wind-chill factor of 60 below. If you go outside after a shower you can hear your hair freeze in seconds. This is a great reference because you absolutely have to keep moving “If you slow down, you stop, you freeze to death” “You never leave anyone behind” I was walking home once and it was a little over a mile, but in this kind of cold and wind 100 feet seem like a mile. It had been snowing for days, all of the roads were closed, and snow drifts were 13 feet high. I had walked about 3/4 of the way, and decided i was going to take a short cut across the golf course. I started up the embankment at the side of the road; my feet were plunging into the snow to my upper thigh with every step (about 3 feet). I got a little better than half way up and WOOOOOFFF! I dropped into the drifted snow up to my armpits. The snow was packed in enough that I could barely move. I was in trouble, already near frozen because I thought I was a bad ass and wasn’t dressed properly. I was wearing jeans with sweat pants under them, 2 t-shirts, a flannel, and a thin Harley Davidson, straight collar, Leather jacket without a liner, two pairs of socks and my hiking boots. With no gloves, no hat, and no scarf. I had been warming my hands under my arms, then warming my ears with my hands, and cupping my hands over my nose trying not to get frostbite. I would run this cycle over and over as my freezing hands were also my warming tools that I would constantly have to reheat.

So, here I am, stuck in a snow drift half frozen and I’m gassed. A real “Uh Oh!” moment. All I could move was my arms and I couldn’t reach anything. I had to do something, but couldn’t do anything. “Can’t isn’t an option when you have to!” There was a tree branch about a few feet away, so I began nudging the snow. Little by little I bumped forward, then back, then forward then back. The snow didn’t move much because I fell in the plow line and the top was packed. I rocked to and fro for what seemed like an eternity and finally I got a hold of the branch and dragged myself out. Freezing cold now, the wetness from being stuck in the snow froze my clothes. I continued on walking in 3 feet of snow feeling like I couldn’t take another step, but knowing to stop is to die. If you’ve ever been out in that environment for a while you know that everything aches, your feet hurt, your ears feel like they’re being cut off by the wind. Your hands and nose feel like ice icicles also being cut and burned, it can be brutal! Obviously, I survived, cold weather situations like that would happen. We broke down in a car with my Mom and she had blankets in the back. She hitched a ride with a trucker, because if we would have stayed there we would have froze to death. I think it was my Mom, oldest brother and I. (extreme examples or rant if you will)

The point is, no matter what obstacles or challenges we face in life we must push on. What matters is our survival. We then have an opportunity to make better choices, be more prepared (keep blankets in the trunk, dress warmer, steak a sign in the ground that says thin ice or crevasse). Over time and through life experience we learn not only to survive but to thrive. We can warn or help others be aware or overcome obstacles or dangers. Look at the Eskimos, look at people who have lost love and learned to love again, or people who were once in a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, that hated life itself, now love it and are filled with joy. I’m one of these people and you CAN be too.

Take these quotes and add them to your arsenal and when all else fails just keep going!

“Can’t isn’t an option when you have to!”

“Keep moving!!! You slow down, you stop, and you die!”

“No one gets left behind!”

“I can”

“i’m willing”

Love everyone, including yourself, you’re incredible, ~ J ~

“I Need a New Life!”

Someone said this the other day. I understand how someone can get to this point. I even understand why someone would settle into a life they no longer enjoy. (The lives of innocent children or fear of the unknown and emotional or economic security.) If you’re at the point that you say “I need a new life!” I offer this;
Every second is life anew! What makes it different is our actions. I would encourage you above all else not to settle. If your life is affected negatively by others (husband/wife) or things are just not right. They will stay that way or likely get worse unless loving action is taken. If you don’t like what you have fight for what you had, or something new and better. The elephant in the room won’t be ignored, communicate. It doesn’t have to be all at once, a simple start can be made with a desire for positive change. Referring to a fond memory saying “Remember that time we_________ we were so in love, I want to feel like that again. Together, I think we can do anything, we can be like that again if we try.” Then work toward that ideal (maybe a couples retreat, marriage counseling. Date night, a vacation, something, anything, just don’t give up). Above all else approaching it as a desire to remain with, and appreciation for the relationship is key, it takes two to make a relationship what it is, you mostly get what you give.

If it’s your job carefully or prayerfully consider change. Take steps, put out a resume, seek opportunities online, or even go back to school.
If you don’t have a marriage or children there’s not as many factors involved in changing your life. They can be small changes or big ones. These are some potential changes for all
Routines, hangouts, diets, exercise, habits, lifestyle, haircut, wardrobe, paint rooms, clean, or declutter. Look into self help, group therapy, get a life coach. If your on medication talk to your doctor and be especially careful if your change will affect the lives of others.
The bottom line is don’t just settle for being unhappy, change yourself, that is the one thing we can do.

What I do, and suggest for everyone is praying for direction and Gods Will to be done in all things. Then understanding or acceptance of whatever troubles me.

Hang on to your happily ever after. You can still find it or work toward it.
Love everyone, especially yourself, you’re an awesome creation worthy of love and appreciation, ~ J ~

Why’s Everybody Hiding

I love it when I come into contact with real people, that are not afraid to be their true self. Here’s a story of an inquisitive young man. As he walks out into the world he sees seemingly everyone running around frantically everywhere, trying to find a good hiding place. He calls out to one of them why’s everybody hiding? The man replies, we have to hide or the one of the monsters will terrorize us. What monsters he says? Conformity, Judgement, Gossip, and the Politically Correct monster. That doesn’t make much sense because this is all wide open space and there are really no good hiding places. The man says, we just pretend to be something else, like a tree or a car. The young man shakes his head a little and say’s that’s ridiculous, it’s obvious to everyone, that all of you people are pretending to be something your’re not. The man says, well that’s just what we do. Everybody knows it and nobody says anything. Unless someone thinks they don’t have to hide and then we’ll talk about them. OK?, strange?. thanks for clearing that up sir.

It seems most everywhere I go, everybody is hiding, either part or all of themselves behind some sort of concocted persona they’ve made up. Only showing you what they want you to see. Most are constantly worried about the perception of everyone else. How does my house look (outwardly), what kind of car do I drive, what do I do for a living, what does my spouse look or act like, do my children behave well and have acceptable manners, and so on. Meanwhile, most often everything is not as it appears, they may be miserable, in debt up to their eyeballs, having abuse or other scandals behind there golden doors. How many times do we see people who seem to “Have it all” end up in total crisis or dead. Happiness is an inside job it is not external.

I think that sounds like an awful lot of investment on all fronts with no real dividends. Especially considering nobody else really appreciates anyone having more or better of anything. Usually people that talk smack talk smack no matter what. The confines of fitting the norm and being like everyone else is like the stepford wives to me. People rob themselves of there true character and freedom of self expression because of fear. Oh, gasp, you shouldn’t, you can’t, what will people think, what will they say?

They will say what they will say. In fact “People” may take great delight in having something to talk about, especially if they can place themselves above you by assassinating your character or worth.

I say please above all else be true to yourself. Seek what makes you happy, not everyone else. This is your life, this is it, enjoy every possible minute. I avoid people that have it twisted, because it’s all an illusion, King Solomon said all of his vast wealth was like sand falling through his fingers.

This is a poorly paraphrased story from Genesis that I thought of before writing.

When Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge in the garden of Eden (after God told them not to) They realized they were naked and immediately covered themselves. God came into the garden and they hid from Him. God already new what they had done. God said why are you hiding yourselves.

They had everything they could want, but there was more to be had.

I am rich beyond measure, and you are also, “if” you have your values correctly placed. Love everyone, including yourself’ ~ J ~

Independence or In dependence

 

I rebelled and struck out on my own as early as I was unable. I wanted to be my own man, I felt alone like it was me against the world and that nobody truly cared about me. I didn’t realize until years later how wrong I was. I see today by forcing my independence and not allowing anyone to get close to me out of fear of being hurt or letting them down is what lead to my isolation. I told my Wife before I married her “That I was going to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and would not answer to her”. The reason I said that, or so I thought, was to proclaim my independence. In reality I was trying to shrug accountability and responsibility. The two words I just typed struck me funny, because that’s exactly where I was going with this. Allow me to clarify, both words have ability in them and that is it in a nutshell. I drank and when I did, there was no telling what would happen, where I might end up, when or if I’d even come home. So rather than continually having to apologize or justify behavior which was really beyond my control, I created my escape hatch. The irony is that I proclaimed my independence because of my dependence on alcohol. No excuses to be made, no arguments to have, I do what I want! right? Of course, this thinking was as flawed as my drinking. I built walls made of false fronts and bravado, I covered myself with a mask where you could no longer see me. There I was trapped by independence, a prisoner in my own mind

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I had all of these preconceived notions about everyone. Hiding inside, I’d think to myself I wonder if you like me or if you think I’m crazy. In nearly the same thought, think that I didn’t care, I don’t need anyone I’m my friend. I’d them assess your flaws and think of what I didn’t like about you in case you didn’t like me so your opinion wouldn’t count. I could then preserve my false pride and superiority while I battled my inferiority. I noticed over time how my scenery changed. The group of people and the establishments I frequented became, let’s say, less sophisticated. Seeking to be accepted yet never wanting to join. I was independent other than the fact that my entire life was dependent on the people around me and how long they’d tolerate the insanity. The very systems and thinking I put in place to maintain my independence finally succeeded and I was independent, in dependence and completely alone, with the exception of God. I talked to Him a lot but wouldn’t hear Him. At that point, when I didn’t understand why my life was like it was, I started to seek answers. I became honest with myself, I opened my mind to new ideas and principles, and most of all I became willing to change. I’m going to play on words because this came to me suddenly and made sense. I realized in any relationship which I am a partner I have to do a part. Also, that the whole world didn’t revolve around me and when I refused to participate it would just pass me by. Again, in order for me to be an active participant in my own life, I had to do my part. I began to tear at my walls. I found that I built the walls a long time ago, when I was a scared child and while in there I couldn’t see everything clearly. My vision was obscured by my perception. Like a plant without the proper son light I didn’t grow much emotionally and stayed a small scared child inside. Once I started to break down the walls and barriers that kept me inside I found they were primarily constructed of bottles of booze, drugs, cemented with lies I told myself to justify my behaviors and the things that brought me pleasure. When I discovered that was what had blocked me all these years, I began to kick and strike at them. I became angry but the walls were amazingly strong and I couldn’t break through on my own. I was dependent upon them to secure my independence. I began to cry out for help, it seemed nobody was listening. When I stopped yelling I could hear a faint voice say just stop drinking, start to do the next right thing that is in front of you. Trust another person who had walls like yours and together we will take them down.

True independence is based on total dependence and reliance upon God. He is the One who created us for a special purpose. We are designed to seek the peace and euphoria only He can provide. Drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, eating, pain and all of the things that bring some of us a similar feeling will not suffice, so we need more. We find in time, as you might expect, they stop working and the very thing we use for reliance, independence, and peace becomes our captor.

Break the chains of addiction and the vicious cycle of self will, seek the purpose of your creation, and ask God to help you offer yourself and your life to Him with complete abandon and fulfill your purpose. He will help as long as you’re willing to follow His gentle direction.

Good life to you, Jason