Category Archives: love

Death Comes Calling

I just died again, it’s the second time today. 

The familiar song you used to sing along just began to play 

At first a smile and a memory of you and your special way

My heart can’t take when the song is done, you are gone, and I feel all alone

Time stands still with the lump in my throat, I feel I could fall to the floor

I feel weak and my bones can’t support my body anymore, a million pounds they hold me down and no one can pick me up from the floor

I died again and it just plain sucks 

I pull it together and begin to move, standing I leave my heart on the floor

I start to work and I stop because the pain I cannot endure

I find my strength and start again working without my heart

Empty chest just move my feet this is how I start

Busy my hands and listen to tunes and try to mend my wounds

Nearly every day is like this and you are missed, the sucker punch or the knife plunges in with a twist

Almost every movie someone’s kid dies and I die again

Relive the moments I last saw you lifeless knowing I will not see you again

I can’t continue to write the tears in my eyes are too thick and I’ve worked myself up to the point where I feel sick. 

Love your children and hold them close for they really mean the most. 

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Winter Dance

Autumn moon’s a flutter, it is winter time

He drinks wine from her lips, as he spills his lies

The heat of their passion fills the room,

They’ve known each other for a time, yet they are strangers

Hiding themselves like children in a game of hide and seek 

Oblivious to the fact the other knowns their hidden places

Clinging tightly to that which they think they love, always with the lingering fear of losing their grip

Pulling and undulating, sliding on sweat, striving to make the other never forget

A breath and a whisper of naughty things said, as they behave badly tangled in the bed

A powerful clinch and embrace, ecstasy written all over their face

Lust’s sweet release and primitive peace

Lying into rest after passions success 

Fingers through hair they sweep, kisses so sweet and then falling asleep.

The Masters Stroke

The Master artists stroke of the wind
painting with cloud 
highlighting with sunset in a vast array of color, from his unique pallet atop waters edge 
still and clear like a plate glass mirror 
as if to complement the artists work

 

showing a clear copy in itself 

doubling the beauty that has been created
yet my mortal eye catches but a glimpse
the smallest grain of sand a remarkable sculpture itself
the wonders I miss are okay with me, I will cherish the sight as I see. 

Happy Birthday Jordan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s your birthday again,¬†oh, how long it has been.

I start to think of you and a happy thought across my mind runs,

Shortly after fatigue comes
My arms go weak
And my body goes numb
My heart hollowed and I’m overcome
My memories of you don’t bring me tears
It’s separation from you and the fading memories I fear
I remember your sarcasm and witticism I struggle to remember your laugh and your many mannerisms
I’m scared and afraid that it all might fade
This morning I started out, it was like dragging an anchor, weight on my whole body it was hard to move
Please pray for me son to The Lord our God?
Some days are so very hard
I keep going it’s just something I do
I want you to know I’m missing you.
I’m giving love like I never have before,
I’m sad because I can’t see you anymore
I hope you’re proud of me now, it was because of you, I wanted to learn how
I’ll do as much good as I can and be the man and Dad you new I could be to the end
pray for my soul so I can see you again and thank you for believing in me Jordan

The Only Way Out is Through

So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!

Stare

I could stare at you for a thousand years, and that wouldn’t be enough.

I need to have your love, smell your smell, taste your taste, and touch your touch.

I can’t hold my stare, I must close my eyes to go to sleep. This gorgeous view I struggle to keep.

I want to gaze at your glow while you rest

gently brushing your hair away from your face as it drags across your chest.

I hope to fill my mind with visions of you, that I might see you dancing in my dreams where I’ll dancing too.

Oh, the fullness of love I enjoy,

beholding your heavenly silhouette in the moonlight,

if only my sleeping dream could be simply this sight.

My eyes fall without my knowing, only to dream of you with wind in your hair softly blowing.

You look at me as you’re running,

with passion and excitement in your eyes

as you leap into my arms nearly knocking me down, I spin you around and lay you to the ground.

Laughing together, in love and awe, brushing your cheekbone with my thumb as my hand gently caresses your jaw,
across your ear as my fingers roll under your silky dark hair

Then to the back of your neck like this was always our fate

I move close watching you wait,

as if you beckoned my kiss, I hesitate

Only to tease and breathe you in.

Our lips press together once again.

Releasing you as I get up from the ground
helping you up what treasure I’ve found

we go in hand in hand and you ask how my day has been.

I awake and there you are as beautiful as ever but a little too far.

I slide over and draw you in good morning Kitten it’s time to get up again.

I wrote this as I thought of my hearts desire!
I love you Kitten

For those of you who read this. I believe the secret to marriage and love is to seek God first restoring yourself to your proper order and balance seeking his guidance loving yourself, you become more love able.
Then wanting the person you loves happiness more than your own, giving without expectation of return.
If you expect nothing, everything that comes after is a bonus and your not left with resentments.

By changing ourselves we change the world, have a fantastic Friday