Tag Archives: #addict

The Only Way Out is Through

So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!

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Just For Today 

This is one of the practices I engaged in years ago, at the suggestion of a man of whom I have great respect.

I’ve never been able to complete all this list entails in a single day.

The part where it says- I will do a good turn and not be found out and if I get found out it will not count, is one of my favorite things. I was told the reasons why are:

  1. You’ve already received your reward by taking credit for your good deed.
  2. It then becomes an act to make yourself look good rather than a good deed.
  3. It is truly a selfless and thankless deed When done only to benefit someone else if your not found out                        .

This whole card helps you to grow in selflessness and humility and grasp the bigger picture, I would recommend it for anyone. I’m not advertising, this is not my business, and I receive no funds for anything contained in my blog. My only reward is if it helps you or someone you love.

You can purchase this card and many other pieces of great literature through your local area Intergroup just search Alcoholics Anonymous Intergroup and your cities name. It’s like a gift store with great recovery items. online at

www.recovery-world.com/RecoveryWalletCards.html

www.walletcards.com/cardlist.html This one has a list of self help, motivational, love, humor and inspirational cards recovery or just because. it’s a great site. i think I’m going to order 1 of each if they’ll let me to see what I can get out of it.

Today I say forget about yourself and think of someone else for a while. It is through self forgetting and helping others that we know peace

Magnification & Maintaining Focus

Tomorrow has arrived and has become today. What will I allow it to be?
I guess it all depends on what I magnify and how many times my magnification is. When it comes to problems of life, will I be like a child who looks at an ant and gets frightened by it’s monster like appearance. Will I be like the adult who knows it’s only an ant, knowing if I remove the magnifying glass it becomes tiny and relatively harmless. Similarly when we have an injury, if we focus on it, all the worse it feels. It may begin to throb and ache. Think about the hick-ups and they seem like they’ll never go away. Suddenly we realize they’ve gone without our knowing. Sometimes realizing they’ve gone “HICK-UP!” they come back. So too, can be whatever has our focus and attention. I suggest taking the magnifying glass off of whatever disturbs you and putting it over things which fill you with happiness and contentment. Our problems are seldom as big as they appear. Once they pass they’re often forgotten or even a laughably ridiculous waste of time.
“You’ve got to accentuate the positive! Deliberate the negative, and look out for Mr. in between”

Have a very Merry Christmas to those who celebrate and for everyone else I hope the day is merry for you too!
The gift is in the giving, so give your all everywhere!
~ J ~

SELF as the Center of the Universe

 

I will speak from my experience, material I have read and principles I continually work. Some of what I say may have a familiar ring if you are in recovery, some you likely have not heard.

I’ll start with a quote and this is a fundamental concept for change.

“It is through self forgetting that we no peace.”

If you can wrap your head around this concept and apply it to your life you will be content.

What it boils down to ultimately is most of our problems are of self. Generally something that we desire, we’re unhappy about, or cannot accept. Some of us are completely self obsessed and don’t really have time to think about anyone else. We force our will in all situations and make minimal if any contribution that does not benefit ouselves.

Some popular sayings

This is my world and everyone else is just living in it!”

“Everything ain’t about you! Because it’s all about me!”

“I’m the center of the universe (my universe)”

(You get the idea)

This post is about honest self appraisal. Look at yourself honestly and either adjust and change or maintain the status quot, that is entirely up to you. This is only a small model for self awareness of a condition of life that can place you in a position of opposition with everyone, including yourself. Conversely, it may provide affirmation of an already giving nature.

I have some basic questions which may or may not help you determine if you want to become more altruistic (freely giving of yourself without expectation of return)

  1. Do I spend the majority of my time thinking about my wants and needs?
  2. Do I always take into consideration the needs of others before my own?
  3. Do I have a problem of self that I obsess over and causes me illness?
  4. Do I have any issues which dominate my actions, life and/or my thinking?
  5. Does my life take priority over all others that it is connected?
  6. Am I a giver or am I a taker?

If I’m always thinking of myself there’s no time for anyone else.

If I continually put myself first others will want me to be last, wait in line, or take turns

If I’m always concerned about myself nobody else needs to be.

I have invariably found that I have made decisions in my life based on self which later placed me in a position to be harmed. I have stepped on the toes of the people around me and they retaliated, seemingly without provocation. I believe that most of my problems arose out of self due to self-will running out of control. so most of my troubles were of my own making or exaggerations of my perception.

I lived a good part of my life like a parasite feeding off of others in nearly every relationship. It was always what I was getting, how I was treated, or my significance (ego, pride, Self)(I never really considered what others were receiving in return)even when I made time to give of myself it was on my terms, at my convenience. When I played with my children I didn’t play what they wanted to play, I played what I thought would be fun. At work I always had to be a front runner, calling the shots, always threatened by the ambition of others. At home it was the same, I had to have controls on everything (My will be done). In fact as long as I can remember, once I figured out you couldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to, and that I only had to deal with the consequences, I did whatever I wanted. My brother Scott told me once, after I came to him with concerns about friends and acceptance. He said “Who cares what anyone else thinks, this is your world and everyone else is just living in it” New Years eve one year I was around 16, Scott and I wanted to go to this party. We went upstairs and asked Mom if we could go. Mom said, “No, that’s going to be a drinking party, and besides you’re grounded for 3 months.” Scott and I returned to the basement, he was aggravated and said “I don’t give a shit, I’m going are you going or what?” I said, “we’re grounded” Then Scott unknowingly said something that would change my life. He said, “We are going to be grounded until we turn 18, we can do whatever we want, what are they going to do, ground us?” My poor Mom and Dad, there is 7 of us kids and we were all a bit mischievous. Scott and I went to the party, despite my Mothers direction and didn’t return home until around dinner time the next day. At the party, I was completely wasted long before new year. In fact the only thing I remember clearly, is someone saying “somebodies past out on the bathroom floor” to which I said, “kick em they’ll get up” only to open my eyes and be looking at the base of the toilet.

Once I stopped thinking about myself all the time most of my problems disappeared. By beginning to constantly think of others and how I might be helpful to them, others began to think about me (in a possitive light).

Be well, and enjoy life, put the time in with the people you love, you never know when the last opportunity will be to show them you care, Jason

You’re Not The Only One

I took some time these past few days to read other peoples writing.

It’s amazing how much people will tell you about themselves, their struggles, disappointments, victories, judgments (good and poor).

As I read I discovered many who have had different life experiences and difficulties or chronic illness. Some wrote about themselves and how they overcome or strive to overcome their burden. Still others were in a place of confusion or question wondering how they can live with their infirmity, compulsion, or obsession.

I’m in awe of the frailty of our human condition and deeply feel for some of the people who are lost in their affliction. Some spoke of harming themselves by cutting, others about binges and purging, some wrote of living with mental illness and how it has impacted their lives. (Much of which in my humble opinion boils down to spiritual illness and/or broken hearts)

In some stories you can see how they were victimized by people who said they loved them. How these people took advantage of them or blamed their mental instability for their transgressions as they caroused and womanized creating a path of victims (sick people of another variety).

Some are looking for answers and post requesting that you comment in kind with your own struggle or success in the area of their difficulty.

A few people wanted to vent and assassinate the character of the person or people who they felt victimized them or ruined their life.

The most difficult and tragic things I read were the ones that had so little or no hope at all. People resolved to a state of being they could not stand.

I took time and commented on many that I read. I have words some times to say, but what do you say? If you don’t believe in yourself who are you going to believe? (been there did that) when things evidence themselves as being a certain way over a long period of time most of us decide “Well that’s just the way it is!”

I’ll give you something of myself and I know so far this has been on a low note, I encourage you not to think sad but compassion (inspire vigor and fight for peoples lives and happiness! this is reaching to the ground to pick somebody up. if we remain standing tall, they remain on the floor)

Here’s part of mine;

I went through a really bad period at the end of my active alcoholism. I was at such a point of pitiful despair that I sincerely hoped I would die in my sleep every night, only to awake disappointed. I’ve gone out during an electrical storm, in torrential rain, and on my knees with tears in my eyes begged God to hit me with lightning and end it. At my darkest point suicide was never an option because I believed my hell would be to remain in that pitiful moment of despair for all of eternity. (wasn’t going there). Fear was why I went on.

After I sobered up for a time my mind was chemically unbalanced and I had some pretty significant issues with insomnia and emotional wellness, as well as obsession. during that time I was doing a 12 step program (unsuccessfully) and about 4 months in I drank again. My Son J.T. passed from this life shortly after which sent me off the deep end. I was having difficulty at work and the my boss called me in his office and told me he wanted me to go to the “employee assistance program”. (Side note)This man had a personal tragedy in his life wherein he had twin sons pass away on the same day one had a heart attack while playing soccer and the other died upon hearing the news.(unreal right). So this man has a place of identification.) I said to him “What are they going to say to me? My life has been shit since I was little and it will be shit till the day I die and no ones going to tell me any different. I won’t believe it!—-”If that’s what you want I’ll go”. I needed my job

The good part is that I was nearly as far down as anyone could go and new it could get worse because it always did. This created willingness

I went and at the time I was praying (and not for dead) asking God to guide me to people that could help me and that if I needed medicine to help me get the right medicine (because I didn’t want to get messed up worse), and if I didn’t need medicine to block it from me. All of which happened and I got the help I desperately needed at the time and a prescription to lamictal (anti-seizure medicine and niravam for anxiety as needed) I took those medications under the direction of a Psychiatrist for 5 years, while honestly working a 12 step recovery program(successfully). After that time I talked to the Dr. about coming off medication and trying life without it. He agreed and I haven’t been on medication for 4 years, and I no longer need to visit him. I have some mild issues at times if I’m out of balance and the conditions (stress) of life are extreme. for the most part I do fantastic. Paying attention to my spiritual fitness, mental state, my physical health, diet, sleep, and external stimulus is paramount. (what I put in my eyes and ears will condition my mind) Also, positive self talk and action are a necessity of life. I limit negativity and encourage others to dwell on positive thoughts and eliminate or try to limit negative thinking.

My life is beyond what I hoped it ever could be. The circumstances haven’t changed much, my attitudes, actions, and reactions have changed tremendously.

If you’ve read this far I encourage you not to settle. If somethings wrong and you don’t feel right, please seek help a great life is not as far away as you might think, there’s hope and you’re worth a little effort, so let’s get growing, Jason