Slightly Worn

What do you do when the shine has wore off
the newness is gone
the thing you once possessed so vibrant and full of life
all the perceived expectations and excitement lived
the newness is gone
it has now been loved fully and in this process nearly ruined
as all my favorite things are
loved so much they’re worn  out completely do I love it the same or love it more because all I’ve gotten out of it!
Like the old pair of shoes that finally became comfortable but when it rains they take on water
the hat that fits just right but looks dirty
My comfortable T-shirt and jeans with the holes that I love, but when I wear them I look like a disheveled homeless person
This is not an object I speak of it’s my life
I look to my life and know that all the newness that once was there I rubbed off personally
every mark, blemish, stain, spot , and scar on my life, I have earned and worked very hard for
good and bad creaking, popping parts, scars, and dings are not flaws or fractures but character & beauty all creative parts of the evidence of my existence
The story in a piece of art
I continue to wear it, I proudly put it on everyday
It’s one of a kind
There’s no other like it on earth
Created by The Master Craftsman for a unique purpose
I look at my life and see
laughing and tears
Pain and healing
Struggles and victory
Death and life
Yin and yang
Most of all I have seen the workings of my life and the affect it has had on others and the understanding of greater purpose glad suffering and a penitent heart,
I look forward to the story to come, I’m going to keep sewing the holes and trying to polish the shine back on it, as I cherish the gift I was given.
Jason

Sensitive, Life of an Empath

A sense of emotion swallows me whole

I fall off the cliff with you as my heart is pulled from my chest
The lump in my throat is too big to swallow 
My mother told me when I was a child 

“You can’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, it’s just too heavy”

Quite often I understand what others don’t but it doesn’t make it better

to ignore it and deny you is to deny myself

To embrace you is another cut on my heart the open wound of my soul has room and is full of Gods love

I realize I used to isolate out of fear of feeling your pain, over elation or anxiety 

It’s not only the doldrums or other extremes though negative energy seems to dominate the majority 
It’s the dancing of my mind and spirit from one to the next in my ever changing environments

The rush in the air and excitement of events make me tense

I find myself overstimulated like a little baby that’s had too much activity
The joy that brings tears is my favorite 
When someone feels blessed by God 
overcome with joy to the point of weeping my heart is softened as to feel the joy of Angels
A babies laugh wipes everything away if for only a moment 
there’s nothing present but the elation of the child

I will laugh with you

worry with you

sigh with you 

cry with you 

and a piece of me will die with you. 

I will be there with your spirit
Help you up when you’re down
I will pick you up off the ground

Realizing we’re not alone 

feel for someone to the bone 

that’s how love is really shown

                                               ~ J ~

The Masters Stroke

The Master artists stroke of the wind
painting with cloud 
highlighting with sunset in a vast array of color, from his unique pallet atop waters edge 
still and clear like a plate glass mirror 
as if to complement the artists work

 

showing a clear copy in itself 

doubling the beauty that has been created
yet my mortal eye catches but a glimpse
the smallest grain of sand a remarkable sculpture itself
the wonders I miss are okay with me, I will cherish the sight as I see. 

Salt In The Cake

Today’s my birthday, my 46th birthday to be exact. I never thought I’d survive past 30, I was a wild one. 

Oh, what my eyes have seen and my heart has felt. 

The change of my thinking as time’s gone forward is profound. I remember the revelations I seamed to have almost annually, about how screwed up my thinking was the year before and the changes I needed to make to better myself. As years poured forward even the annual assessment was questionable, because I’d put yet another year of chaos and bad choices into it. I know today that many of those years and bad choices were due to alcohol & pot. My thinking wasn’t right and I didn’t realize that’s what caused it. The alcohol chemically imbalanced me and the weed made me lethargic (I could care less). I do not miss them, they stole quite a bit of time from me. This year my mind is clear. 10 years I’ve lived sober (really lived). I think of the 22 years of mental fog and misunderstanding I had in that time and don’t regret it. I’ve learned so much, I do wish that I hadn’t negatively impacted the lives of the people I love through divorce, absence, and the insanity of drinking. I understand everything happens for a reason and I was part of the seasoning of who they all are, as much as it is part of who I am. There’s a little salt in the best sweets, a few steps doesn’t account for the journey and many of us stumble. The secret is keep going and pay attention to where you’re heading. Chances are you’ll get there just fine. 

Living Free

Indulgence of the day or methodical existence?

Should I let my my mind run wild and free or tame my thoughts like a house pet, which wouldn’t be me?
I allow my mind to wander when I roam, I will not settle for boredom when I’m alone.
Excitement, daring, and adventure I crave! 
I love it! I live it! If only fired in my imaginations maze. 

I’m satisfied, I feel more alive.

Like mixing a brew, some sort of concoction, a little action, a little, mystery, and a lot of disfunction. 
The twisted word play in my head, thinking of what others have said. 
I act out and you hear the gasp, the tame ones freak out when I’m having a blast.
I embrace my character, I’m genuine every day. 
I couldn’t live like a phony, there’s just no way!

Own who you are and love yourself, never sacrifice who you are for anyone else.

Jason

My Story in Loss & and My Restoration

Inspire Blog

October 12 2009

I take that day and Jordans’ birthday off from work every year. It’s been 4 years for us it doesn’t seem to get any easier. For about three weeks before and three weeks after, I’d have anxiety, depression, and anger. My surviving children might as well be bubble wrapped. I’m always so protective because I’m so afraid of what could happen. I’ve had different horrific dreams where tragic things happened to my other children and I’ve held their lifeless bodies in my hands, waking in terror. I would check on them in their beds and thank God they were alright. After a rain one day, I spun our SUV around completely doing about 60 on a four lane highway with cars all around, nearly missing them and went off the road backward. I said “God please no! I?” I thought it was going to be really bad…

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Happy Birthday Jordan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s your birthday again, oh, how long it has been.

I start to think of you and a happy thought across my mind runs,

Shortly after fatigue comes
My arms go weak
And my body goes numb
My heart hollowed and I’m overcome
My memories of you don’t bring me tears
It’s separation from you and the fading memories I fear
I remember your sarcasm and witticism I struggle to remember your laugh and your many mannerisms
I’m scared and afraid that it all might fade
This morning I started out, it was like dragging an anchor, weight on my whole body it was hard to move
Please pray for me son to The Lord our God?
Some days are so very hard
I keep going it’s just something I do
I want you to know I’m missing you.
I’m giving love like I never have before,
I’m sad because I can’t see you anymore
I hope you’re proud of me now, it was because of you, I wanted to learn how
I’ll do as much good as I can and be the man and Dad you new I could be to the end
pray for my soul so I can see you again and thank you for believing in me Jordan

The Only Way Out is Through

So many years past where I couldn’t or simply wouldn’t process the events, situations or the emotions of my life. I was stuck in a thought process that says “stuff it deep down inside where it can’t hurt you” “pretend like it never happened” “just don’t think about it” and other avoidance or suppression methods, along with good times and anesthetizing any of my pain or hurt feelings.
I found it didn’t and doesn’t work. I realized about 9 years ago that I wasn’t really ignoring that stuff successfully or glancing over issues, I was collecting them. I tucked feelings away, where I attempted to keep them under wraps. I’d get the occasional hurt out and caress the melancholy memory as wallowed in self-pity. Never taking time to try and put things in perspective or come to an understanding or make peace. Just to play the role of the victim (poor me) and feed my memories fierce resentment even building them into even more than they were. The little box of hurt inside packaged with a bow. (Box of excuses) That’s what my lack of understanding and my seeming inability to deal with life on life’s terms really was. a box of excuses. Sounds harsh, I know, the reality is, I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to feel anything, but really didn’t understand not feeling, really wasn’t an option. Over time those suppressed feelings stack up and reach overflowing proportion and can no longer be contained. For me these problems would compound current events, if I had something upsetting or some stressful situation of life my coping mechanism would already be overloaded, making things worse. Additionally, pent up emotion would fill me with resentment, which would manifest in the form of anger, depression, anxiety, or aggressive behavior. I masked and stuffed things until I hit the point of crisis in my life. I began to seek council and tried half heartedly to sort things out. I only did so, in attempt to fix the present situation I was in. I gave up and started to anesthetize again, until the unthinkable happened. My son Jordan suddenly died (he was 14). Time stopped, everything changed, I was crushed, and my world was forever changed. There’s no stuffing that. Already near crisis, the box over flows. This is what I think people often do.
I tried to stuff it back in, and for short intervals I managed. Invariably, things that need to be felt get felt. In the light of the terror and depth of that pain, all the previous pangs became somewhat trivial. Regardless, my issues required my attention and some real work. Issues that were to big for me all of my life, were still to big for me to sort out alone. If you have struggled similarly for way too long, I suggest you seek counsel to help you through. Whether it be professional counseling, group therapy, a recovery program doesn’t matter. If you get help, you can get through. You will know a peace, happiness, and contentment you never thought possible. I started by surrender. When I couldn’t go on, I asked God to help me and gave Him back the life He gave me, to do with whatever He wanted. “Just please help me?” Were my words. My life is incredible today, God Is Great!

Grand Scheme of Things

Does what’s happening now really matter in the grand scheme of things or am I just being resistant?

Does it all need to happen right now, in this instant?

Will it happen faster, if I’m more persistent?

Things just get worse, when I’m insistent

I look to the sky and wonder why

I live my life one day at a time

Poetry spills on the page inking a rhyme

Don’t act out your life unless you’re a mime

For me it would be a crime

To look at you and know not who you are

The real you, seemingly very far

Let it all go, put your mask away

Rely on Gods plan for you and pray for His guidance to lead your way.

Jason Byers

You’re one of a kind and created with a special purpose in mind, ~ J ~